Friday, February 10, 2006

How do they know?

One of the things I like best about the internet is that I get lots of e-mail from strangers. They seem to know a lot about me.

For example, Gosha15 e-mailed to invite me to "Live in the world of harmony and punctuality with Replica Classic watches." He admonished me, "Don't lose y0ur chance of buying Rep1ica Cl@ssic watch. Don't let your neighbor be fir$t. Do you have any troubles w1th keeping to the $cheduled time? Repl1ca C1as$1c watches can help you." Apparently, Gosha15 is not only a copyright infringer, he's pretty l337, in a f1n@nc1al $ort of w@y. E-mail like that certainly makes one think, though. Merely by getting a fake watch, I could not only stop my neighbor from being first, I could keep to the scheduled time and live in the world of harmony and punctuality. Those are some of my fondest ambitions.

A couple of days later, Qalmdqsgdjy provided further encouragement: "No matter if your watch's brand is real, what really matters is the way you wear it." I suppose there's something to be said for that. Moreover, I can "Wear Replica Classic watches with fool confidence." That's the sort of confidence I've always longed for. And these aren't cheap knockoffs, they're "Del1ghts0me replica watche$ from famous brand$." I was almost convinced. But Qalmdqsgdjy went on to say, "You can't afford a real R0lex watch." What? Oh. Um. Jeez, way to rub it in, Q. At that point, I deleted the e-mail and slunk away from my computer in shame.

Not one to give up easily, on February 9, Dan Prichard wrote me, "If you are still thinking of your Christmas presents, Replica Classic watches will make the best Christmas present for anyone." Gee, Dan, you're a little late. But, Dan said, "Your friend will always be your friend if you give him a Replica Classic watch." I don't know, Dan, although I'm sure a Replica Classic watch would be a del1ghts0me Christmas present, I prefer to give my Christmas gifts a little earlier. You know, like in January.

My e-mail correspondents not only want me to be fashionable, they're also very concerned about my sex life.

Ipswmdekrm informed me that "She thinks you are perfect and a wonderful choice for her." I wasn't quite sure who "she" is, but then Ipswmdekrm asked me, "Do you want your girlfriend back?" so apparently I lost a girlfriend. (Although if she thinks I'm so great, how did I lose her?) But not to worry: "With our Viagra Soft Tabs you will make her yours forever." That sounds good, but I guess "forever" is only a relatively long time: "With our Soft Viagra tabs this pleasure can last up to 4 hours." Or maybe it only seems like forever. "It's been four hours. Are you ever gonna finish?"

T-money was very direct. He ordered me to "Create your offspring with Spermamax." Do what now? "When you cum with Spermamax, your bed looks like a little island drowning in the ocean of your sperm." O… K… . I'm gonna stop reading and hit the delete button now [shudder].

Katri told me that "@dvanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills is the only thing you need to gain your dream size. Advanced Gain Pro can enlarge your dick so much that you won't be scared of ruler anymore." Katri needs a grammar-correction pill.

Luckily, Pnastas was there to follow up in case I was worried about the suitability of the pills: "Advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills work for you regardless of your age, medical condition or penis size."
It must have taken a long time to develop such a good pill.
"We have worked for many years to combine the best penis enlargement pill."
I see, so you didn't just develop it, you combined it. But I'm a little leery of buying pills over the internet. I don't know if I should trust you.
"Trust us, we have overcome our expectations. [We never expected anyone would be stupid enough to believe this. Boy, were we ever wrong!]"

Meanwhile, Etjltwdgbbc somehow knew just what I'm lo0k1ng for.
"Lo0k1ng for someth1ng mag1c and mysterious that can help you attract women's attention."
Why, yes, I am. What do I need?
"Ultra Allure Pheromones is what you need."
They is?
"Do you want to be the king of the party?"
Who wouldn't? I'd probably have settled just for being the life of the party, but king? Wow!
"Ultra Allure Pheromones guarantees you women's attention."
Everywhere I go, women will be saying "What is that smell?"

It's amazing how strangers on the internet can know just what I'm thinking about and send me advertising that targets my specific needs. They must have very sophisticated computer programs to do that.


  1. Viagra Soft Tabs? I wanted it to do the opposite.

  2. Those ads can be so funny. I get a lot of e-mail telling me how much better my life would be with their product to enlarge my penis. Maybe the problem is that I don't have a penis !!


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