Sunday, March 26, 2006

I, canis

A few nights ago, I had an erotic dream. It starred me, Nicole Richie, and Paris Hilton. It's a little odd that I would dream about them, since if I had a list of Women I Wish I Could Boink, neither of them would be very high on it. On the other hand, if the list was long enough, I suppose they would make it, probably somewhere in the low hundreds. I guess they're slightly to moderately boinkable.

Anyway, in this dream I met Nicole somewhere or other -- and this was Nicole when she still looked pretty good, by the way, not Nicole now that she's all skinny and anorexic-looking -- and we, um, hit it off pretty well. So I was working on Nicole, and Paris came along and didn't want to be left out, so of course the only hospitable thing to do was to welcome her as well. That's all the details you're gonna get, but it was a very pleasant dream. Of course, the whole idea is very unrealistic, because apparently Nicole and Paris aren't even friends anymore.*

Now, this was one of those really vivid dreams, the kind where everything is not just real, but hyper-real. And it was also one of those dreams where you wake up confused, thinking for a few moments that the dream was real and that everything that happened in the dream really happened. (I'm not the only one who has dreams like that sometimes, am I?)

So I woke up thinking I'd actually had a threesome with Nicole and Paris, and my first thought was, "Wow, that was fun!" That's only natural, I think. My second thought was, "Woops. I probably shouldn't have done that." Because my third thought was, "How do I hide this from my wife and my church?" At that point, my rational mind woke up and said, "Dude, it was just a dream."

Notice anything missing? Like maybe guilt? Shame? Sorrow for betraying my wife and my God? Yeah, I noticed that too. And I've been wondering about it. Would all that ethical stuff have been my fourth thought if my rational mind hadn't woken up when it did and told me it was just a dream? Am I the kind of guy who would cheat and not worry about anything but getting caught? Am I an ethical person? I'd always thought I was a good guy. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe I'm just a dog.

*That's a joke, OK? I realize that Nicole and Paris not being friends anymore is not the most unlikely thing about me having a threesome with them. I mean, they live in L.A., and I don't, for example.

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