Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It's not easy being big

Here's the first draft of the opening bit for my set. (I'll be performing on June 6 if all goes well.)

It's not easy being big.
When you're big, complete strangers walk up to you and say things like, "Hey, you're really big. How tall are you? Are you a basketball player? Are you a football player?"
You never see tall people going around to short people and saying stuff like, "Hey, you're really little. How short are you? Are you a jockey?" Doesn't happen.
Like I'm at the store or something, and complete strangers just come up to me and say, "Hey, could you hand me that [what?] from the top shelf?" I mean, OK, I know the store has little signs that say like "Ask for help with items on top shelf," but that means ask somebody who works in the store. It doesn't mean "ASK THE TALL GUY"!

Right, 'cause I don't go around stores saying stuff to short people like, "Excuse me, could you hand me that detergent [?] from the bottom shelf? That's a long way for me to bend over. (Thank you, you're very kind. By the way, are you a jockey?)"

And the thing is, 15 years ago, you know, I was young and slim and all, so people used to ask me all the time if I was a basketball player. "Are you a basketball player? You're so tall. How tall are you?" Now they say, "You're so big. Did you used to be a football player?" Now it's football player, not basketball player, right, and it's always "used to be." Oh, I get it, not only did I get old, I got fat too. How nice of you to remind me.

No, it's not easy being big.

But I'm trying to get in shape again. I've been going to the gym, you know, hitting the weights four or five times a week. But I'm not like a lot of guys, you know, all they care about is how they look, they're all into all that body-building and posing stuff. I just want to be healthy and strong, you know? Say, how much time do I have left -- about six minutes? Thanks. [Pose to look at watch] (What?)

Yeah, OK, you know, guys all want to have big muscles. And we'll like argue about who has bigger arms and legs and all. Like the other day, I was hanging out with a friend of mine who works out, and we were talking about clothes or something, and he says like his thighs are so big he has to wear relaxed-fit jeans. Yeah. And I'm like, "Pshaw, dude, I have to wear loose-fit jeans. Relaxed-fit jeans. Dude, I have to get pants with the waist size six sizes too big just so I can fit my thighs in them, man. Twenty-eight inches, man, right here."
And he's like, "No way, dude. I'm like 25 inches, and there's no way you're bigger than me, man."
So I'm like, "All right, get the tape measure."

But that's like the most male kind of conversation in the world, isn't it? I mean, you can't imagine two women having that conversation, arguing about whose thighs are bigger. Because women would be much more supportive.
[Lady voices] "Do you think these pants make my thighs look big?"
"Ooh, they do, girlfriend. You look absolutely huge."
"Ooh, thank you. You're so sweet."
"Well, you're just adorable. I wish my thighs were as big as yours."

5 comments:

  1. I got quite a chuckle out of that

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  2. It's not easy being little. People always want to give me a piggy back ride. I hate piggy back rides. They make you look like a burden. Now, playing chicken in the pool, that's different...that's fun.

    I once asked a really tall guy if he played basketball. He said, "No, do you play miniature golf?" Ouch.

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  3. I'm gonna use the miniature golf one. Hope you don't mind.

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  4. No problem...but watch out, the wrong little person will scratch out your f*cking kneecaps.

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  5. My "little" brothers all got very big very fast. One, who's just shy of 6' 7" lived in Japan for years and used to take a very early train to avoid riding bent over for an hour. One woman, looking at his shoes, said, "Boats!" He's started buying western styled shirts because they have extra-long tails that will actually stay tucked in.

    Another brother (not quite so large) accidentally bumped an older woman in Scotland. She turned around and said, "Awk! And look a' the size o' ye!"

    Most siblings-in-law agree that they felt normal in height until they married into this clan.

    While in Italy, I got to meet Cresmir Cociz (I'm sure I slaughtered that spelling), of BYU basketball playing and national basketball coaching fame. A young boy, trying to get his attention, tugged his coat tail, craned his neck back as far as it would go, and yelled, "Ciao!" upward as though hoping the sound would reach the top of a mountain.

    My grandfather was a very large man but drove a VW bug. We never could figure out how he got in and out, no matter how many times we watched. It was just like magic.

    MrsD

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What do you think?