Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Words I'd say in front of the Savior

Elsewhere, I was slightly involved in a discussion of how to run an internet forum I used to participate in pretty heavily before it grew completely craptastic. The person who runs the forum for money (the "Guide") for the company that owns it apparently dislikes naughty words, since the only time she ever shows up is when someone complains about the language. Unfortunately, the least intelligent and most incompetent of the "Hosts" (people who run the forum for free on behalf of the person who gets paid to run it) took it upon himself to invite her to join the discussion. Naturally, the Mighty and Powerful Guide said that naughty words must not be allowed. Someone asked her which words, to which she answered, "Any words I wouldn't say in the presence of the Savior." And that got me thinking -- not just about the monumental dumbassery of her reply (How the hell is anyone supposed to know what words she would use?) -- but about what words I would say "in the presence of the Savior."

I imagine that the only words I'd say in front of Jesus Christ would probably be "Thank you," "I'm sorry," and "Yes, sir." Other than that, I expect I would shut up and listen -- you know, what with Him being the Almighty Creator of the universe and all.

Oh, I forgot one. I'd also say, "Let's watch TV," because I've spent all these years in Church being told that I should be concerned about what shows I'd watch if the Savior were with me, so I guess He expects to watch TV any time He visits.

Oh, and I'd also say, "Excuse me while I go change my clothes," because I've also been taught that it would make me uncomfortable if I wasn't wearing a suit and tie when I met him. Although I don't actually own a suit anymore (Yay self-employment!), so I guess really I'd have to say, "Excuse me while I go buy a suit." And since I can't really buy suits off the rack (not much selection in a 50 extra-long), I'd also need to say, "Could you come back in a week or 10 days after the alterations are done?" But then, I don't have money in my budget for a suit either, so I guess I'd also have to say, "Could you lend me a few hundred bucks?"

So if I were the Mighty and Powerful Guide, all anyone would be allowed to say on the forum would be:
  1. Thank you.
  2. I'm sorry.
  3. Yes, sir.
  4. Let's watch TV.
  5. Excuse me while I go buy a suit.
  6. Could you come back in a week or 10 days after the alterations are done?
  7. Could you lend me a few hundred bucks?
Come to think of it, that would be a marked improvement over the usual level of discourse there. Maybe I should apply for the job.


  1. I love it!


  2. Love it! Bringing logic and reason to insanity in a humorous way is wonderful.

  3. I'm wondering...what words she would say behind the Savior's back.

    As for me, I totally want to know what kind of hair products Jesus uses. I would also probably question his sandals.

  4. "I'm wondering...what words she would say behind the Savior's back."

    I wish I'd said that.


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