Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Last Saturday's set

Here, BTW, is the set I did last Friday for the terrible audience, with their reactions -- the reactions of the 8 people who listened, that is.

I have a big family. I don't mean they're fat or something, there's just a lot of them. Anyone here from a big family? Or a fat family? [Small laughs] I have four kids, ages 16, 14, 11, and 2. We call the two-year-old "Mommy and Daddy's Little Accident." [Laughs] That's not her real name; it's just a nickname. I wanted to name her "Oops!" but my wife wouldn't let me. [Laughs] She said, "What kind of name is 'Oops!' for a kid?" I said, "It's better than 'Aw, crap!'" [Big laughs] But we love our little accident. [Laughs]

[This bit is a riff on a comment by Mist1 on a previous post, BTW. Thanks, Mist1.] My wife's really strict about our kids' names. I wanted to name our son "Senator," but she wouldn't let me. Think about how much fun it would be to have a kid named "Senator." Haven't you ever wanted to say, "Senator, sit down and be quiet!" [Laughs] Or, "That's enough out of you, Senator!" Or, "Senator… say you're sorry, Senator!" [Laughs] Or, "All right, Senator, you're getting a spanking!" Well, not that one so much. Unless it's Senator Hillary Clinton. Rrrowll! [Groans]

Anyway, we finally decided to name our son "Rashaun." We think it goes well with his three sisters, Shamique, LaWanda, and Tamika. [Small laughs]

This last summer we went on a family road trip. You ever been on a family road trip?

You know what? Forget I asked that question. I really hate it when comedians always introduce a subject and then say "Anyone ever done this? Anyone ever done that?" It's a total crutch; they're trying to create this artificial rapport with the audience instead of just relying on humor to do make a connection. I hate that. I'm never going to do it again. [Puzzled looks]

So anyway, we drove down to Southern California, to see my Mom. It's about a 15-hour drive. With four kids. And you can't drive more than an hour with kids before they start saying "Are we there yet?"

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

OK, so at this point I'm a little annoyed. So I decide it's time to implement one of my favorite parenting techniques. It's a highly effective technique, and I recommend it to anyone. It's called "sarcasm." [Small laughs]

"Are we there yet?"

"Has the car stopped?"

"No."

"Have you gotten out of the car?"

"No."

"Have you given Grandma a kiss and a hug and said "Hi, Grandma'?"

"No."

"Then I guess we're not there yet, are we?"

"Oh. (Long pause) Are we almost there yet?"[Laughs]

But my own family was kind of dysfunctional. My Dad wasn't exactly abusive, but he was kind of cheap. He just hated to spend money on his kids.

Like when my best friend Ronnie got a guitar, I told my Dad I wanted a guitar too. He got me a broomstick, a rubber band, and two clothespins. [No laughs. I can't decide whether to drop the joke, though; I just like it for some reason.]

The dentist told him I needed braces. My dad said, "How much are they?" and the dentist said "$2,000." Dad said, "I'll take care of it myself." So he clamped a vise to the headboard of my bed and made me sleep with my face in it every night for the next six years. [Tiny laughs, maybe]

Some of my friends started going to camp every summer, so I said, "Dad, I wanna go to summer camp too." He said, "Summer camp? Sure, I'll take you to summer camp!" He drove me to the woods, shoved me out of the car, and said, "See you in a month!" [Small laughs]

Then my cousin John got swimming lessons, so I said, "Can I have swimming lessons too, Dad?" (Yeah, I was a slow learner.) He said, "I'll give you a swimming lesson!" He took me down to the pond and threw me right in. I thought I'd never get out of that sack. [Groans] Really, I wouldn't have minded, but everyone else was ice skating at the time. [Big groans]

Well, so, anyway, I went to the dentist last week. Anyone here ever been… to… the… dentist? [Laughs. The people who were actually listening are very into comedy, so they got it, but I'm not sure how it will work on a normal audience.] I don't like going to the dentist. But it's not because of the drilling and shots and stuff like that. I mean, I don't like that stuff either, but what really bugs me about my dentist is that he owns this little farm too. It's just a hobby or something, but he's always talking about farm stuff, he'll say things like "So this morning I was performing a rectal examination on one of my cows...." [Groans] Yeah. "Say 'Ahh.'" That's just one of those things you don't want to hear your dentist say. You also don't want to hear your dentist say, "Hey! Where'd my ring go?" [Small laughs] or "So, um, you only chew on one side of your mouth anyway, right?" [Small laughs] And you especially don't want to hear your dentist say, "Quick, turn him over, the sedative's wearing off." [Biggish groans. That joke's also thanks to Mist1.] If you hear that, you should probably change dentists. That's why I'm thinking of switching. [Small groany laughs]

[This next part was pretty messed up, because Drunk Psycho Lady (DPL) happens to be a lesbian, so any time I mentioned women getting married she stood up and hollered and clapped her hands and stuff like that, so I have no idea how a normal audience would react.] But the other thing I don't like at my dentist's is that the dental hygienist is totally hot. Now, a lot of dental hygienists are kind of cute or whatever, but mine is incredible. I mean, if Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, and Halle Berry had a lovechild, she'd look like my dental hygienist. Not that Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, and Halle Berry could actually have a lovechild. I mean, they couldn't actually have a child even if they married each other. Not that they could marry each other, thanks to the Republicans. What kind of party stops Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, and Halle Berry from marrying each other anyway? That's just wrong. It's obscene! Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba, and Halle Berry should be allowed to marry each other if they want to. I'm sorry. Sometimes, I just weep for this nation. [I did hear a couple of laughs under all the noise DPL was making.]

So anyway, my dental hygienist is really hot. Now, I know some of you men and some of you lesbians [More hollering from DPL. I like the line, but I have no idea how it worked on anyone else] are saying "But Chris, that's a good thing." Well, it's not. See, first of all, it's a completely unnatural situation when I'm with a beautiful woman -- ["What's unnatural about that?" hollers a (normal) audience member. "No, that's not the unnatural part," says I] -- the unnatural part is I'm with a beautiful woman and she's putting something in my mouth. [Small groans. I don't think my mostly female audience was too into this joke, for some reason.] That just seems wrong somehow. And when you're with a beautiful woman, you want to be at your best, right? But I don't care how smooth you are, when you're in a dentist's chair like this "Gar blargle argle blarg," you're just not at your best. [No laughs]

[Really, no laughs at all for this part. So I'm going to drop the whole dental hygienist bit. But here it is anyway.] But actually, the thing I hate most about going to the dentist is having my teeth flossed. I mean, I floss my own teeth every day and all – really – but my teeth are kind of scrunched together in places, so it takes some technique, a little delicacy and finesse to do it right. So whenever I go to get my teeth cleaned, I say to the hygienist, "My teeth are kind of scrunched together in places, so you have to floss really gently."

And she always says, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've been doing this for years."

"Yes, but -- gar blargle argle blarg!"

"See? No problem."

"Gar blargle argle blarg."

(Grunting and straining) "O…K…."

"Gar blargle argle blarg!"

(More grunting and straining) "Your… gums… are… bleeding… quite… a… bit… Have…you… ever… had… gum… disease?"

"GAR BLARGLE ARGLE BLARG!"

1 comment:

  1. Thanks. I laughed. I groaned. I hollered for the lesbians.

    I also have been seriously considering having a son and naming him Jerry Duty.

    ReplyDelete

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