Botox, anyone?

Botox fascinates me. You know what botox actually is, right? The "bo" is for "botulin," and the "tox" is for "toxin." According to Wikipedia, "botulin toxin is a neurotoxic protein produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum. It is the most poisonous naturally occurring substance in the world." It's not just poison, it's poison produced by a bunch of nasty bacteria that grow in rotting meat. And people pay hundreds or thousands of dollars to get this poison injected into their faces. They should just come to my house; there's plenty of stuff in my refrigerator they could just rub on instead.

So who dreamed up the idea of using botox for cosmetic surgery? Who was the first doctor to sit down with one of his patients and say, "You know, if I were to inject this deadly poison into your face and paralyze some of your facial muscles, you'd look much prettier"?

Or maybe it was just an accident. It all began with an attempted murder, when a doctor tried to kill his wife:

CUT TO INT. THE OPULENT HOME OF A DOCTOR AND HIS WIFE

DOCTOR

(Brandishing needle) I'm going to kill you by injecting your heart with this deadly toxin!

WIFE

No! No!

A struggle ensues. THE WIFE is jabbed in the face with the needle.

WIFE

Ouch!

DOCTOR

Ha-ha! But wait -- suddenly you've become beautiful! Oh Darling, can you ever forgive me?

WIFE

(Singing) I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!

THE WIFE and THE DOCTOR embrace.

NARRATOR

And thus, the cosmetic use of botox was discovered. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off for my own treatment. It's not just for women anymore!

FADE TO BLACK.