Friday, January 19, 2007

Fill in the blanks

Over on a forum I frequent, Scott posted this fill-in-the blanks game thing. I had so much fun filling in the blanks over there, I thought I'd post it here too. The underlined parts are where I filled in the blanks.

I don't really know why I always kick the helper monkey. Surely there's no rational reason. It seems, however, that every time I step on a wiener dog I wind up angry and kick the helper monkey.

I decided to see a necromancer. Maybe then I could learn why I fart when the wiener dog squeals.

So last Samhuinn I had an appointment with Mordrock the Necromancer. After waiting for the Festival of Alban Helfin, I was finally called into the Hall of Dread where the Exalted One looked at my clavicle and asked me why my opisometer was askew and if it had always been that way.

I told him I didn't know why my opisometer was askew but that I couldn't remember a time when it wasn't that way.

"When was the first time you remember being aware of it?" he asked.

"It was on my first pilgrimage with the Dark Princess Nepharia. We had gone to a pub and then up to the inn for a little measurement. She grabbed my sextant and I got all the hygrometers and durometers but was ready for thermocouples. Then she put her katharometer on my pyrometer. I mensurated. She saw my manometer and heaved the lead!" I explained, "Needless to say she never tallied on a planimeter with a theodolite."

The Exalted One nodded and waited for me to provide an oblation.

"That was during Lughnasadh and my life has been pretty much like a grasshopper drinking elderberry wine on a beach in Saipan while wearing a sombrero filled with computer chips ever since."

The Exalted One looked in a big woman's nose and, after a few hair pulls, asked "Have you ever been to Graceland?"

"Not since Beltane", I said.

"Well," he said, "It can't be nuthin' but a hound dog, then." He turned more hairs of the woman's nose. "Have you ever put food in your pants?"

"All the time!" I said. "Is that a banana in your pants?"

"It is indeed." he said, "Once in a lifetime, someone who carries a gold ingot in a paper bag, contracts an alchemist that turns his gold to lead and his silver to iron. But don't worry, it isn't you."

"Are you sure that's a banana!?" I asked.

"Well," he paused, "mostly not."

"Is there an exit for me?" I asked.

"Unfortunately there is," he said, "but you can take a dwarf with you and, unless you meet a polar bear who wants to be your MySpace friend, it should never pose as an officer of the law."

The Exalted One charged me the moon and sixpence to tell me yes he has no bananas!

So I still don't really know why I always kick the helper monkey.

Maybe you can help.

1 comment:

  1. I am allergic to bananas. I never keep one in my pants.


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