Saturday, January 27, 2007

Tonight's set

Here's what I'll be performing tonight. If you're a long-time reader, you'll have seen some of this in different forms before. Wish me a broken leg.


I used to date a little person


I'm a big guy, but I like small women too. I actually used to date a midget, excuse me, a little person. She was quite short, barely more than waist high. She asked me out first. I don't know who put her up to it. (Put her up to it?) At first we got along really well. I was nuts over her. (Nuts over her?) But after a while we didn't get along very well anymore. We had a big argument. I said she's always sticking her nose in my business. She said she'd had it up to here with me. She said our relationship left a bad taste in her mouth. But I'm not bitter.


I'm a racist


I have a confession to make.


I'm a racist.


[Slowly] I... hate... N------ASCAR.


(I had you guys worried. Leigh Anne was like, "Oh my gosh, he's gonna go all Michael Richards on us!")


But what is it with these guys? Driving fast and turning left is a sport? They make millions of dollars doing that?


I actually met a NASCAR driver once. I said, "Why are you driving so fast out there? There aren't even any cops chasing you."


He said, "I know. I'm just trying to get home to the trailer park in time for dinner, but the durn road keeps curving off to the left."


I said, "Well, while don't you just turn the other way?"


He said, "Naw, I don't wanna do that. My buddy Dale tried to turn right once, and he done runned right into the wall."


That's why I like Formula 1. Those guys are really good. They can turn left and right. In the same race. I'd like to see a NASCAR driver try that.


But I don't get the name. "Formula 1." I get the "1"; I guess that means they're the best drivers -- the ones who can turn both left and right.


So Formula 2 must be not quite as good, and then there's Formula 3, Formula 4, Formula 5, and so on. Formula 17 is guys pushing their grandmas in wheelchairs.


[Runs back and forth pushing imaginary wheelchair.]


Granny: "Slow down, Sonny!"


Driver: "Shut up, Grandma, I'm trying to turn right!"


But what's up with the "formula" part? And what happens when they have a Formula 1 race in Greece? Do they call it "Grecian Formula"? Do only they let guys with grey hair drive in it?


Why George W. Bush isn't the Devil


Do you remember a while back when the president of Venezuela said George W. Bush is the Devil? I think that's ridiculous. George W. Bush is nothing like the Devil. I don't just mean that the Devil's probably pretty smart, either. No, the main difference is that Satan can pronounce the word "nuclear." Otherwise, Satan would gather all his minions around him; he'd gather all the Legions of Hell and he'd say something like, [death grunt] "WE NEED MORE NUCULER WEAPONS."


And all the demons would be saying [snickering], "(He said 'nuculer.' Make him say it again. Shut up! Shh!) [Innocently] Which weapons, Master?"


"NUCULER ONES."


"Nuclear ones, Master?"


"YES, NUCULER ONES."


[More snickering.]


"WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?"


"Um, nothing, Master." [More snickering]


And when you look at the stuff the Devil does, he has nothing in common with George Bush. The Devil lies, he starts wars, and he wants to torture… people. Naw, it's probably just a coincidence.


Botox


You know something else that fascinates me? Botox. I don't have any problem with people using it -- everybody wants to look better and all. But you know what botox actually is, right? It's a deadly poison produced by nasty bacteria that grow in rotting meat. A friend of mine told me she was going to get botox injections. I told her that instead of spending all that money, she should just come over to my house. I've got some stuff in my refrigerator that she could just rub on her face instead.


But who dreamed up the idea of using botox for cosmetic reasons? Who was the first doctor to sit down with one of his patients and say, "You know, if I were to inject this deadly poison into your face and paralyze some of your facial muscles, you'd look much prettier"?


Or maybe it was just an accident. It all began with an attempted murder, when a doctor tried to kill his wife:


(Pretend this [microphone] is a hypodermic needle)


Doctor: "I'm going to kill you by injecting your heart with this deadly toxin! Muwahaha!"


Wife: "No! No!"


[Struggle with the "needle." Thump!]


Wife: "Ouch!"


Doctor: "Muwahaha! Right in the face! But wait -- suddenly you've become beautiful! Oh Darling, can you ever forgive me?"


Wife: [Singing] "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!"


And the rest is history.

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