Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Barbaro: Rest In Perspective

Barbaro the racehorse was euthanized on Monday due to complications from the broken leg he suffered during the Preakness Stakes on May 20, 2006. Now, that's not happy news, to be sure -- he was a beautiful animal -- but some people seem to have lost all sense of perspective. It's easy to find people calling his death a "tragedy."

There's an on-line condolence form for the veterinary team that tried to save him. I find that odd enough -- they're vets, after all, it's their job to try to save animals -- but people aren't just writing the vets and saying things like, "Hey, good effort, sorry it didn't work out," they're writing to the effing horse himself! Here's some typical stuff:

"In Loving Memory of you Barbaro! You are everyone's Champion. You fought the fight with true Strength, Dignity & Grace. Thank you Champ!"

"Barbaro, a bible verse for you today. The Lord will preserve me unto his heavenly kingdom. I know you are resting now and God is watching over you. He loves animals too. I will think of you often and remember your courage. I love you!"

"Barbaro, I saw you run looking so powerful and free.I saw you fall and still that powerful look was there.That power is still with you but you have are sharing it with everyone because you wanted peace for yourself. Be Strong, Be Free, Be Happy."

I mean, hel-LO! It's a horse for crying out loud! Horses can't use the internet! If they tried, their hooves would just mash up the keyboard! And horses can't read anyway! Dead horses can't read even more! They aren't just illiterate, they're dead!

When an animal dies, OK, it's sad. I get that. But let's have a little perspective here. It's not a tragedy. It's a dead animal. This is a tragedy. Every one of the red flags to the right represents one American who died in Iraq.

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Every one of the white flags represents up to six Iraqis killed since the war started.

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It's too bad that Barbaro died. But don't ever try to tell me that a dead horse is tragic.

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Extremely well qualified

The White House announced the hiring of a new pastry chef. His name is Bill Yosses. He has 30 years of experience. He's also the author of Desserts for Dummies. What better qualification could George Bush's pastry chef have? He'll get lots of practice for the second edition. (Found via This Modern World)

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Forty things I wonder about

I wonder about a lot of stuff. Like this:


If "neo-conservative" means "new conservative," what does "neon" mean?


And what the hell is prene?


Do guys named Ray ever get confused and sing,
"Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a name I call myself"?


If you aren't good at masturbation, are you an apprentice-bator?


And when women do it, shouldn't it be called "mistress-bation"?


Does "asymmetry" mean "a place where they bury Irish people"? ("Where's your dad buried, Patrick?" "In asymmetry, of course.")


Which is actually busier, a bee or a beaver?


Speaking of beaver, if women have pussies, what do cats have?


Could a Wookie beat up a Klingon?


And if Klingons are such mighty warriors, how come humans can always beat them in hand-to-hand combat?


If the first ship on Star Trek is the Enterprise, will the last one be the Exit Prize?


Speaking of space aliens, what's in the other 50 Areas?


If creatures come to America from another planet, do they need passports?


And if they don't have them, does that make them illegal aliens?


If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, shouldn't his name be Peter Picker instead of Peter Piper?


Or should it be Peter Pecker?


And wouldn't that be redundant?


Why is a titmouse a bird instead of a mouse?


And why does it have no tits?


And if you did see a mouse with tits, what could you call it? That name is already taken.


If wine goes with cheese, does whining go with cheesiness?


I know what a "fluffer" is in a porn movie, but what do they call the person whose job it is to plump up the pillows between takes?


When people shoot a scene for a movie, they have "Take 1," "Take 2," etc.; with all those takes, won't they run out eventually?


If a "necrophiliac" is someone who has sex with corpses, is a "Cadillac" someone who has sex with golf caddies?


Is Peter Pan what the nurse brings men to urinate in if they can't get out of their hospital beds?


Is Tinkerbelle what you ring if you want the nurse to bring the Peter Pan?


If actors are auditioned at "cattle calls," are cows auditioned at "people calls"?


Who would win a fight between Yoda and Dumbledore?


If white people from the South are "crackers," are black people from the South "graham crackers"?


Are Jews from the South "matzos"?


If George Bush and Hillary Clinton had a son, would his name be George Clinton?


And would he be funkadelic?


If people play baseball with bases and basketball with baskets, why don't they box in boxes?


What do ducks yell when one of them should duck? If one of them yelled "Duck!" they'd all just turn around and say "What do you want?"


If two gay guys get in an argument and go outside to exchange blows, are they escalating the conflict or making up?


Is the championship of bowling called the Super Football?


If she's by the seashore, couldn't people just pick up seashells for free instead of buying them from her?


When King Kong was growing up, was he Prince Kong?


If you pimp your ride, doesn't that mean your car is a prostitute?


If I don't stop, will I go blind? Better not take any chances. I'm finished.

Lousy audience

Supposedly, the last three audiences (when I wasn't there) were good, but last night they just weren't into comedy. They were there to watch the game on TV and then sing karaoke. Comedy was just the thing wasting time in between. So most of them just talked (loudly) amongst themselves until it was over. If I was getting paid, I could think "Five more minutes and I get paid," but for free it was a waste of time. Kevin (my comedy hero -- he auditioned last week for Def Comedy) didn't even bother to go on. Oh well.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Tonight's set

Here's what I'll be performing tonight. If you're a long-time reader, you'll have seen some of this in different forms before. Wish me a broken leg.


I used to date a little person


I'm a big guy, but I like small women too. I actually used to date a midget, excuse me, a little person. She was quite short, barely more than waist high. She asked me out first. I don't know who put her up to it. (Put her up to it?) At first we got along really well. I was nuts over her. (Nuts over her?) But after a while we didn't get along very well anymore. We had a big argument. I said she's always sticking her nose in my business. She said she'd had it up to here with me. She said our relationship left a bad taste in her mouth. But I'm not bitter.


I'm a racist


I have a confession to make.


I'm a racist.


[Slowly] I... hate... N------ASCAR.


(I had you guys worried. Leigh Anne was like, "Oh my gosh, he's gonna go all Michael Richards on us!")


But what is it with these guys? Driving fast and turning left is a sport? They make millions of dollars doing that?


I actually met a NASCAR driver once. I said, "Why are you driving so fast out there? There aren't even any cops chasing you."


He said, "I know. I'm just trying to get home to the trailer park in time for dinner, but the durn road keeps curving off to the left."


I said, "Well, while don't you just turn the other way?"


He said, "Naw, I don't wanna do that. My buddy Dale tried to turn right once, and he done runned right into the wall."


That's why I like Formula 1. Those guys are really good. They can turn left and right. In the same race. I'd like to see a NASCAR driver try that.


But I don't get the name. "Formula 1." I get the "1"; I guess that means they're the best drivers -- the ones who can turn both left and right.


So Formula 2 must be not quite as good, and then there's Formula 3, Formula 4, Formula 5, and so on. Formula 17 is guys pushing their grandmas in wheelchairs.


[Runs back and forth pushing imaginary wheelchair.]


Granny: "Slow down, Sonny!"


Driver: "Shut up, Grandma, I'm trying to turn right!"


But what's up with the "formula" part? And what happens when they have a Formula 1 race in Greece? Do they call it "Grecian Formula"? Do only they let guys with grey hair drive in it?


Why George W. Bush isn't the Devil


Do you remember a while back when the president of Venezuela said George W. Bush is the Devil? I think that's ridiculous. George W. Bush is nothing like the Devil. I don't just mean that the Devil's probably pretty smart, either. No, the main difference is that Satan can pronounce the word "nuclear." Otherwise, Satan would gather all his minions around him; he'd gather all the Legions of Hell and he'd say something like, [death grunt] "WE NEED MORE NUCULER WEAPONS."


And all the demons would be saying [snickering], "(He said 'nuculer.' Make him say it again. Shut up! Shh!) [Innocently] Which weapons, Master?"


"NUCULER ONES."


"Nuclear ones, Master?"


"YES, NUCULER ONES."


[More snickering.]


"WHAT? WHAT'S FUNNY?"


"Um, nothing, Master." [More snickering]


And when you look at the stuff the Devil does, he has nothing in common with George Bush. The Devil lies, he starts wars, and he wants to torture… people. Naw, it's probably just a coincidence.


Botox


You know something else that fascinates me? Botox. I don't have any problem with people using it -- everybody wants to look better and all. But you know what botox actually is, right? It's a deadly poison produced by nasty bacteria that grow in rotting meat. A friend of mine told me she was going to get botox injections. I told her that instead of spending all that money, she should just come over to my house. I've got some stuff in my refrigerator that she could just rub on her face instead.


But who dreamed up the idea of using botox for cosmetic reasons? Who was the first doctor to sit down with one of his patients and say, "You know, if I were to inject this deadly poison into your face and paralyze some of your facial muscles, you'd look much prettier"?


Or maybe it was just an accident. It all began with an attempted murder, when a doctor tried to kill his wife:


(Pretend this [microphone] is a hypodermic needle)


Doctor: "I'm going to kill you by injecting your heart with this deadly toxin! Muwahaha!"


Wife: "No! No!"


[Struggle with the "needle." Thump!]


Wife: "Ouch!"


Doctor: "Muwahaha! Right in the face! But wait -- suddenly you've become beautiful! Oh Darling, can you ever forgive me?"


Wife: [Singing] "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!"


And the rest is history.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

YouTube favorites -- music special

K, I'm kind of writer-blocked right now -- I've started two posts but didn't like either one of them -- so I'm gonna go with a special bonus edition of YouTube favorites. This one is all music. Like always, asterisks* mean "bad" language, etc.

Here's a classic. This is kind of my theme song -- I use it on my MySpace too.


I'm not sure that Walt Disney knew the difference between booze and LSD, because I never saw anything like this just from drinking alcohol:
[Disney had it removed from YouTube -- can't have people advertising their movies without permission. Sheesh. Here's a replacement version.]


If I did, I probably would have been Institutionalized.


OK, that was a great song but a pretty crappy video (and maybe teh worst lip syncing evar). Here's a great song with a great video, and it was made before there even was such a thing as "music videos." I mean, there was, but no one called them that yet.


This is actually audio only. Jack Black explains to the other guy in Tenacious D (Tenacious D = Jack Black and That Other Guy) that he's invented "inward singing."***** (This one gets like five asterisks for language.)


Back when I was a little kid, "Lawrence Welk" was my grandparents' favorite show. It's funny how your memory can play tricks on you -- I seem to remember it sounding quite different from this:


Enough with the intentional comedy. The Osmonds blew the top off the Unintentional Comedy Scale with "Crazy Horses." The best parts are the lead singer's dancing (he's like another James Brown, if James Brown had been a goofy white guy prone to doing the Funky Chicken), Donny using his keyboard to make weird noises (which apparently were later sampled as Pac-Man sound effects), and the lead guitarist stiffly "rocking out" his solo. I dig their bellbottoms though. I need to get me a pair.


All right, that was just a bit too wholesome. I think a little Iggy can cure that, though.


And doesn't that just make you want to go on a cruise with your family? Somewhere between the horseback riding and the rock wall it hits you: where are the liquor and drugs and the sex machine? When is Johnny gonna do another strip tease?

Monday, January 22, 2007

Quotes 'r' us

Being on the internet for about 15 years now, I've probably used hundreds of quotations in my signature on bulletin boards, forums, e-mail, etc., and so on.

Some of them I wrote myself:

Do guys named Ray ever get confused and sing
"Doe, a deer, a female deer
Ray, a name I call myself"?

I am Jack's n00b. [Get the reference?]

I hate sigs.

I'm not anti-Bush, Bush is anti-me. [A modified song lyric.]

You, the reader, did not exist before you read my sig. [Also modified from something I read somewhere. Never let it be said I don't give credit where it's due.]


I've also used many from the Simpsons, including:

"Brevity is... wit."

"Can't... describe... symptoms... much... longer...."

"What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind."


I like song lyrics too, especially if they don't necessarily make a lot of sense (bonus points if you can name the songs and artists):

"...and bongo drums a speciality."

"First rule is: The laws of Germany
Second rule is: Be nice to mommy
Third rule is: Don't talk to commies
Fourth rule is: Eat kosher salamis."

"I closed my eyes and danced a slow dance with a fast girl...." [This one is actually from an instrumental, so it doesn't count on the test.]

"It's hard to be a garbage man when a sailor stole my glove"

"'The Hippies won't come back' you say?
Mellow out or you will pay!"


Lots of movie quotes, of course (can you name the movies?):

"He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy."

"I have some bad ideas in my head."

"Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the mind!"


And of course, many of them are "miscellaneous" (which is another way of saying "I don't remember where they're from, and I'm sure as hell not gonna google all these quotes to find out").

"Cry 'Hammock!' and let sleep the dogs of war."

"Hell is the impossibility of reason."

"There is no human problem that could not be solved if people would simply follow my advice." [So true.]

"I don't expect you will believe that I once (got) a mail-order course in alligator wrestling complete with a practice alligator, so I will not tell you this."

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

"The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness."

"The working class and the employing class have nothing in common." [I especially like this one because I'm self-employed. I have nothing in common with myself.]

"Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
"For drizzle."

Final exam in International Relations

I once taught International relations. Here's the final exam I used.

1. The Peleponnesian War was fought mainly between:
A) The Athenians and the Spartans
B) The Peleponies and the Teletubbies
C) Bill Clinton and Ken Starr
D) Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton

2. "Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short" is a description of:
A) The life of Man in a state of nature
B) A typical liberal
C) A typical conservative (on a good day)
D) Your graduate teaching assistant's probable future career in academia
E) All of the above

3. "MAD" is an acronym for:
A) Mutually Assured Destruction
B) Many Annoying Debates
C) Mutually Acquainted Dadaists
D) My Ass Dazzles
E) I couldn't think of a good acronym, so I just MADe one up

4. "Quantitative" political scientists are all:
A) Damned
B) Liars
C) Damned liars
D) Statisticians

5. A hegemon is:
A) A state with predominant influence over others
B) A state with no influence over others
C) A state easily influenced by others
D) A Jamaican hedge fund manager

6. Multipolar systems may be more unstable because:
A) They increase uncertainty
B) Their leaders suffer from multipolar disorder
C) The polar ice caps may melt because of the greenhouse effect
D) Polar bears sometimes attack human beings

7. Neoconservatism is to conservatism as:
A) Neoliberalism is to liberalism
B) Neoprene is to prene
C) Neon is to n
D) Neosurrealism is to a grasshopper drinking elderberry wine on a beach in Saipan while wearing a sombrero filled with computer chips

8. Balancing and bandwagoning are:
A) Things that states do in an anarchic system
B) Things that groupies do in an anarchic system
C) Two kinds of circus acts
D) Difficult to perform while under the influence of an intoxicant

9. "Fungible" means:
A) Exchangeable for something else
B) Able to have fun
C) Able to have fungi
D) A dirigible with a fungus growing on it

Answers: 1. A; 2. E; 3. A; 4. D; 5. A; 6. A; 7. A or D; 8. A; 9. A

Saturday, January 20, 2007

10,000 page loads

Today this blog passed 10,000 page loads since I started counting on December 20, 2005. I suppose that's not many relatively speaking -- I'm sure there are plenty of blogs out there that get that many or close to it in one day -- but it seems like a lot to me. So i just wanted to say, thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

Trying to decide on a caption

"Pull yer head out!"? "Man gives birth to wrestler"? "Funny, I don't remember eating that"? Clickie.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Fill in the blanks

Over on a forum I frequent, Scott posted this fill-in-the blanks game thing. I had so much fun filling in the blanks over there, I thought I'd post it here too. The underlined parts are where I filled in the blanks.

I don't really know why I always kick the helper monkey. Surely there's no rational reason. It seems, however, that every time I step on a wiener dog I wind up angry and kick the helper monkey.


I decided to see a necromancer. Maybe then I could learn why I fart when the wiener dog squeals.


So last Samhuinn I had an appointment with Mordrock the Necromancer. After waiting for the Festival of Alban Helfin, I was finally called into the Hall of Dread where the Exalted One looked at my clavicle and asked me why my opisometer was askew and if it had always been that way.


I told him I didn't know why my opisometer was askew but that I couldn't remember a time when it wasn't that way.


"When was the first time you remember being aware of it?" he asked.


"It was on my first pilgrimage with the Dark Princess Nepharia. We had gone to a pub and then up to the inn for a little measurement. She grabbed my sextant and I got all the hygrometers and durometers but was ready for thermocouples. Then she put her katharometer on my pyrometer. I mensurated. She saw my manometer and heaved the lead!" I explained, "Needless to say she never tallied on a planimeter with a theodolite."


The Exalted One nodded and waited for me to provide an oblation.


"That was during Lughnasadh and my life has been pretty much like a grasshopper drinking elderberry wine on a beach in Saipan while wearing a sombrero filled with computer chips ever since."


The Exalted One looked in a big woman's nose and, after a few hair pulls, asked "Have you ever been to Graceland?"


"Not since Beltane", I said.


"Well," he said, "It can't be nuthin' but a hound dog, then." He turned more hairs of the woman's nose. "Have you ever put food in your pants?"


"All the time!" I said. "Is that a banana in your pants?"


"It is indeed." he said, "Once in a lifetime, someone who carries a gold ingot in a paper bag, contracts an alchemist that turns his gold to lead and his silver to iron. But don't worry, it isn't you."


"Are you sure that's a banana!?" I asked.


"Well," he paused, "mostly not."


"Is there an exit for me?" I asked.


"Unfortunately there is," he said, "but you can take a dwarf with you and, unless you meet a polar bear who wants to be your MySpace friend, it should never pose as an officer of the law."


The Exalted One charged me the moon and sixpence to tell me yes he has no bananas!


So I still don't really know why I always kick the helper monkey.


Maybe you can help.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Which Shakespearean character I am

Found on Not Saussure's blog. I suppose now I'll have to read the play or something.

Benedick

Hark, Ye scored 62!

You are Benedick from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing! Wryly sarcastic, but with a warm and loving heart, you look for love and happen to find it.. normally in the most unlikely of places.

You consistently need to assure yourself that you are not falling prey to love.. but everyone (including yourself) knows that you are.





The Shakespearian Character Test written by LoudmouthLee on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Bringing sexy back

I think some players look really pretty in these new "racerback" style women's basketball uniforms. Yum. (Found on Uni Watch blog.)

Gannon University:
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Alabama State:
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Mississippi State:
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Colorado State:
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Monday, January 15, 2007

Hair removal for men

A friend of mine showed up at the beach one time with all his body hair shaved off. (His visible body hair, anyway.) I said, "What the hell did you do that for?"

He said because his girlfriend wanted him too.

"Your girlfriend wanted you to?"

"Yeah, man. She was always complaining about it."

"What if she wanted you to cut off your dick too, would you do that?"

"I don't think she'd like that very much."

"Why not, she already cut off your balls. Making you shave off your body hair. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Just how whipped are you? "

"Man, you should try it too. I'm not kidding. At least shave your back."

"Shave my back? Shave my back! Listen man, women beg to comb my back. They get in fights over who gets to braid my back. Shave my back! Look here. This is a man's body:

All right? A man's body has hair on it. And another thing, a man's belly button has lint in it."


"Oh my God."

"Hey, if you think that's impressive, you should see what I can pull out of my ass crack."

This wasn't supposed to happen this time

I don't know why I bother. They just let me down every time. It's like 1979 all over again.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Why I thank God I'm self-employed

I don't how to describe the kind of person who can sing this song not as a clever spoof of corporate values but as a celebration of those values or the kind of people who can stand up and applaud it instead of rolling on the floor laughing or bending over and vomiting. I just thank God I'm out of that environment and I pray I can stay out forever.




Just for comparison, here's how normal people react to the same song:


Sunday, January 07, 2007

North Korean news item of the week

From Korean central News Agancy of DPRK:

Remarks of S. Korean Hack Writers Blasted

Pyongyang, January 5 (KCNA) -- As already known, riff raffs of the group of pseudo men of literature in south Korea called "future cultural forum" held a seminar in Seoul at the end of last year at which they not only malignantly slandered the inauguration of the June 15 Association of Men of National Literature, an umbrella organization of progressive writers in the north and the south of Korea, but dared vilify even the dignified political system in the north and its literature and arts. [How dare they villify a government led by anyone as dignified as this:



or literature as great as The Mother of Korea, (a "Biographical Novel of the Brilliant Life and Patriotic Activity of the Great Mother of Korea, Kang Ban Sok, Mother of the Great Leader Comrade Kim Il Sung") or Dawn of a New Age Vol. 1 (a "Fact based novel on Kim Hyong Jik and Kang Ban Sok, Parents of The Great Leader and Eternal President of North Korea Comrade Kim Il Sung, and Their Struggles Against the Japanese Occupation of Korea in the Early 1900's)?].

[Various insults follow.]

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Dear "News Quiz" listeners:

The word you're looking for is tsujigiri (辻斬り). Here's a brief discussion in this blog, and here's a short Wikipedia entry. Hope that helps. (And take a look around the blog while you're here. ;)

Friday, January 05, 2007

Hey English people!

Why are you visiting my blog? Don't get me wrong; I love new visitors, especially from outside the USA. But I've been getting a bunch of visits from people in England searching for variations of "to try a new sword on a chance wayfarer." It's made me really curious. Are you all looking it up for a Japanese language class assignment or something?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

YouTube favorites

Time for more YouTube favorites.
Asterisks* mean not suitable for children or prudes, and maybe not safe for work.

It's too late for Christmas, but I know what my wife's getting for her birthday.*
Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don't mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl ya gotta know you're my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin' real
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
Somethin' special girl


Aren't people who talk loudly on cell phones annoying?


Our Dead Comedian of the Month is Bill Hicks.*


Looking your best is hard work...


There was a girl on YouTube who took a picture of herself every day for three years, but Noah says he did it for six. It's kind of long, but strangely fascinating. (Cool music too.)


Jaeger swears he isn't emo.


Every thirty seconds a man is hit by a drunk driver. This is that man.*


Some say that sexual orientation is immutable. Others beg to differ.


Sometimes I think I live in the world's most embarrassing country.


This is the only case I know of where a fan parody was so funny that they took a line from it and used it in a movie franchise (X-Men). It's kind of long and kind of one-note sometimes, but
it's damn funny.*

Funniest T-shirts in teh world evar lol!!!111

Seriously.

I think I'm going to buy this one:



And this one:



And maybe this one: