Thursday, September 18, 2008

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 4 & 5)

Bella is gonna die. (Not really.)
Chapter 1
Bella complains and blushes. Edward has bronze hair. He hates Bella.
Chapter 2
Edward is absent from school. Then he comes back. He has golden eyes. He doesn't hate Bella anymore.
Chapter 3
Edward saves Bella's life with his Beautiful Vampire super powers. He won't explain how three times. He has golden eyes two times. Bella has a crush on Edward.

Here's my synopsis of Chapters 4 and 5 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 4
Bella tells about her dream about Edward after all. In the dream, she chases him but can't catch him. I suspect this is foreshadowing.

Bella is embarrassed because everyone is paying attention to her. Except Edward -- he ignores her, except to nod without looking at her whenever she says hello. Bella starts stalking him in school. His eyes get darker.

A boy asks Bella to a Sadie Hawkins dance. She shoots him down by making up a plan to go to Seattle, because she's too clumsy to dance. She decides to go to Seattle for reals.

Edward looks at Bella. Her hands shake. I guess she got tired of blushing. Then he talks to her. He says it's better if they aren't friends. Bella gets mad at him.

Bella plays basketball in gym. This makes her fall down a lot, especially when she thinks about Edward. I'm not making that up. This is a direct quote: "I fell down a lot."

Another boy asks Bella to the Sadie Hawkins dance. She shoots him down too. A third boy asks Mary Sue Bella to the Sadie Hawkins dance. She shoots him down also. She complains because so many boys like her.

Bella goes home. While she's cooking dinner, she starts "thinking." What did Edward mean, they shouldn't be friends? Doesn't he know she likes him? He must know she likes him. He must not like her at all. He's so awesome, and she's so dull. Etc. I feel a little guilty reading the passage, like I've stumbled across a 13-year-old girl's diary or something.

Bella goes to school again. Edward has golden honey colored eyes. He offers Bella a ride to Seattle on the day of the Sadie Hawkins dance. He says he's given up trying to stay away from her. A thrill goes through Bella when she says his name. Edward's eyes are gloriously intense and his voice smolders. Bella agrees to go to Seattle with him.

Chapter 5
Bella is late to English class because she is dazed from talking to Edward. She blushes (just like old times). At lunch, Edward doesn't sit at the Beautiful Vampire table. He sits by himself and waves Bella over to join him.

Edward likes her now. He has ocher-colored eyes and a breathtaking crooked smile. He talks like he's dangerous. His deep gold eyes befuddle Bella. Edward and Bella banter for awhile. Edward's eyes scorch and smolder. Bella finally gets that he actually is dangerous.

Bella goes to biology class, but Edward ditches. The class members are supposed to prick their fingers and type their blood. Bella faints. A boy starts to take her to the nurse, but Edward intercepts and carries her there.

A fainty boy comes in too. Edward rushes Bella out of the room. She says she could smell the boy's blood from his finger.

Edward shoves Bella into his car and drives her home. They both like Clair de Lune. Edward says Bella doesn't seem 17. I assume he's going to say, "Because you're so immature." Wrong! It's because she's so mature. I wonder how I could have failed to realize that constantly complaining, blushing, stumbling, fainting, getting tongue-tied around the opposite sex, being embarrassed about being seen with your parents, freaking out when people look at you, and obsessing over boys you hardly know because they have bronze hair and golden eyes are signs of maturity. I guess my inability to understand stuff like that is proof that I have Asperger's syndrome.

Edward looks at Bella with his burning golden eyes and teases her. She gets mad.

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)


  1. This is the most awesome Cliff Notes I have ever read. This confirms my suspicion that these books are truly as bad as I suspected they were.

    Oh, and back in my day, the whole point of a Sadie Hawkins dance was for the girl to ask the guy out. I guess I'm older than I thought and the times they are a-changin'.

    I'm also looking forward to the next installment of Let's Ecology. Keep up the good work.

  2. Thanks Andrea. Yeah that is the point of a Sadie Hawkins dance -- they call it a "girl's choice" dance in the book -- but when you're as irresistible-for-no-apparent-reason as Bella, these things happen.


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