Sunday, September 28, 2008

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 6 & 7)

Bella is gonna die. (Not really.)
Chapter 1
Bella complains and blushes. Edward has bronze hair. He hates Bella.
Chapter 2
Edward is absent from school. Then he comes back. He has golden eyes. He doesn't hate Bella anymore.
Chapter 3
Edward saves Bella's life with his Beautiful Vampire super powers. He won't explain how three times. He has golden eyes two times. Bella has a crush on Edward.
Chapter 4
Edward ignores Bella. Then he stops ignoring her. Three boys ask Bella to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Edward asks Bella to go to Seattle with him and his golden honey colored gloriously intense eyes and his smoldering voice. She says yes.
Chapter 5
Edward has a crooked smile and ocher-colored/golden eyes that that scorch/smolder/befuddle/burn. Edward ditches biology. Bella faints at the thought of blood. She is like so mature.

Here's my synopsis of Chapters 6 and 7 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 6. Scary Stories
Bella goes to school the next day (Friday). She's embarrassed because she fainted. Edward isn't in school. Bella is engulfed in unstoppable gloom (I'm not making that up. Direct quote: "I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me") because she doesn't know when she'll see Edward again (probably Monday).

Bella is going to go to the beach with her new friends. She decides it might not be completely miserable. All the other girls are jealous because one of the Beautiful Vampires likes Bella.

The beach is pretty. Some of the kids walk over to look at tide pools. Bella manages not to fall in, although she does fall down in the woods a few times on the way back.

Some Indian kids from the Rez join Bella and her friends. A boy named Jacob notices Bella. Bella's dad knows Jacob's dad and bought Bella's truck from him. They talk about the truck.

Of course, Jacob immediately has a thing for Mary Sue Bella. (That's the fifth boy in six chapters, if you're keeping track.) A girl is jealous, and Bella makes catty remarks about her in the narration but not in the dialog, which seems a little unfair since the girl can't answer back.

Bella tricks Jacob into telling her that the Beautiful Vampires aren't allowed on the Rez. Bella tries to allure him and smolder at him so he'll tell her more. It works. (Naturally.) Bella flirts with Jacob and leads him on to get information out of him, but it's OK because a) she's Bella and b) she kind of likes him as a friend.

Jacob tells her that Indians are werewolves and that the Beautiful Vampires are vampires but don't kill people. Bella and Jacob pretend that it's just a scary story (or is it?).

Chapter 7. Nightmare
Bella listens to a CD. She falls asleep and has a nightmare about Jacob the werewolf and Edward the Beautiful Vampire. Then she wakes up. Then she takes a shower. Then she eats cereal.

Bella looks up vampires on teh interwebs. None of the descriptions are exact matches to what Jacob told her and what she's seen.

Bella is annoyed. She goes for a walk alone in the woods, which no doubt is exactly what anyone would do if they suspected the area were crawling with werewolves and vampires. Bella sits down on a fallen tree to think. She's not sure if Edward and the Beautiful Vampires are actually vampires, but she's sure they're more than human.

Bella thinks about avoiding Edward, what with him probably being a vampire and all, but that idea grips her in a sudden agony of despair. (Yes, that's a direct quote: "I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair....") So she decides, in for a penny, in for a pound, because he has a voice, eyes, and a personality. All she wants is to be with Edward. Then she goes home and does her homework.

Monday is a sunny day. Bella goes to school. She talks with one of the five boys who has a thing for her and confuses him with big words. He asks her out. She blows him off by telling him that another girl likes him.

At lunch, none of the Beautiful Vampires are there. Bella is hit with crippling desolation. (Direct quote: "Desolation hit me with crippling strength.") She spirals downward in misery during the rest of lunch. After school, Bella goes home and mopes.

The next day, there are still no Beautiful Vampires in school, which painfully squashes the little sprouts of hope that keep budding in Bella's mind. After school, she leaves on a shopping trip with a couple of girls, which cheers her up exponentially.

(Seventeen more chapters to go. Pray for me.)

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)


  1. OMG. I'm praying for you. As curious as I am with the whole vampire/mortal romance, I don't think I could stomach this in its entirety.

    I did make it through Book 10 of Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series...but at least it started off good.

  2. Tell me again why you are doing this to yourself?

  3. "So you don't have to." ;)

  4. I am greatly enjoying this. I read the book a couple weeks ago for the book club I attend.

    Everyone else loved Twilight and went on and on about how wonderful it was. These are intelligent women, many with more education than me and from more prestigious institutions than I graduated from. I was shocked. Did we read the same book? The one with annoying, superficial, poorly-developed characters? The one with bad writing? The one that really had little more happening other than a very shallow teenager pine after a really hot guy throughout most of the book? I couldn't believe it. Since they were all going on and on about how much they loved the book and all the deep meanings and interpretations (?!?), I bit my tongue and only spoke up a few times to disagree with a particular point. I don't know these women well at all (I'm news), so I figured the "you are all insane, the book sucked" approach might not put me in the best light. Once we know each other more and they realize I'm not normally a cantankerous, disagreeable pessimist (okay, I'm always a pessimist), then I'll be more comfortable being the lone alternate voice. Luckily, this sort of book is a departure for the group; they usually go with much more substantial fare. Thus, I can continue to attend without losing my mind.

    Still... I don't see how anyone other than a 12-year-old girl can think this book is any good.

  5. Hi Tanya,
    Good to see you again.
    I think the most telling thing for me so far is when Edward and Bella agreed that she's so mature.
    I think the author believes that too. She doesn't even realize that she's written a shallow and immature character.

  6. *Le Sigh*

    I hope I'm not the only soul you are trying to save. My wife and daughter *loved* the book (with the proviso that the first several chapters were slow and sucky - please pardon the vampire pun)

    Thus, whilst I am not actually obligated to read it per se, I still kinda have to read it.

    I'm on chapter two.

    So far the only redeeming feature I've seen is that it is written in the first person and the protagonist is a shallow teen ager. So, if I squint I can imagine the sophomoric writing is meant as an intentional reflection of that character's actual thoughts and feelings.

    Don't bother to choke that down. I know it's just the lie I'm telling myself to keep my eyes from glazing over.

    I'm hoping, as my wife and daughter insist, that it gets better. If nobody bleeds out before the end of the book, don't tell me.

  7. Kuri and Brahnamin,

    Hang in there, I promise it gets better. It really does. I hated the book when I was where you were, just the fact that I heard great reviews was all that kept me going. It was so worth reading till the end.


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