Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 8)

Since things are actually starting to happen in the book (I mean, things other than blushing, complaining, and moping, although there's still plenty of that), I'll be posting a chapter at a time now.

Our story so far:
Bella is gonna die. (Not really.)
Chapter 1
Bella complains and blushes. Edward has bronze hair. He hates Bella.
Chapter 2
Edward is absent from school. Then he comes back. He has golden eyes. He doesn't hate Bella anymore.
Chapter 3
Edward saves Bella's life with his Beautiful Vampire super powers. He won't explain how three times. He has golden eyes two times. Bella has a crush on Edward.
Chapter 4
Edward ignores Bella. Then he stops ignoring her. Three boys ask Bella to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Edward asks Bella to go to Seattle with him and his golden honey colored gloriously intense eyes and his smoldering voice. She says yes.
Chapter 5
Edward has a crooked smile and ocher-colored/golden eyes that that scorch/smolder/befuddle/burn. Edward ditches biology. Bella faints at the thought of blood. She is like so mature.
Chapter 6
Bella is engulfed in unstoppable gloom because she won't see Edward for three days. She meets an Indian boy named Jacob who (of course) immediately has a thing for her. Bella uses her feminine wiles to get Jacob to tell her that Indians are werewolves and the Beautiful Vampires are vampires who aren't allowed on the Rez.
Chapter 7
Bella decides she wants to be with Edward even if he's a vampire. Edward is absent from school again, so Bella is hit with crippling desolation and spirals downward in misery. He's absent again the next day, which painfully squashes the little sprouts of hope that keep budding in Bella's mind. She leaves on a shopping trip with some girlfriends, which cheers her up exponentially.

Here's my synopsis of Chapter 8 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 8. Port Angeles
Bella is in a good mood for once as she goes shopping with two girlfriends. She tells them she never had a boyfriend back in Phoenix. They tell her that one of The Many Annoying Boys Who Like Bella claims he's going to take her to the prom. Buzz kill! The gloom starts moving back in.

As her girlfriends shop for dresses for the Sadie Hawkins dance, Bella disses Port Angeles for only having one department store. Luckily, Bella the Phoenix sophisticate knows all about what colors go with whose eyes and hair and gives the yokels her friends some good fashion advice.

Bella skips out on her friends for an hour so she can go to a bookstore by herself. She finds a bookstore, but there's some middle-aged hippie-looking lady behind the counter, so of course Bella doesn't want to go in. She wanders off in search of a bookstore that doesn't have hippie-looking ladies in it, but she gets lost because she's too busy wrestling with despair to pay attention to where she's going.

She ends up in a warehouse district where she passes four Rapists, who try to talk to her. (Of course, Bella doesn't call them "Rapists" yet, but it's pretty obvious what they are, because they're wearing dirty clothes.)

Two of the Rapists start following Bella. They "herd" her towards the other two, who cut off her route back to the safe part of town. Bella stops and thinks about screaming, but her throat is too dry. She thinks about how to break noses and gouge eyes. She tries to swallow so she can build up a decent scream.

Edward comes flying around the corner in his silver Volvo and orders Bella to get in. He's really mad, so he asks Bella to distract him with innocuous prattle until he calms down so he doesn't murder the four Rapists with his Beautiful Vampire powers. She does a creditable job. (In fact, she could write a book.)

Bella and Edward meet up with Bella's friends. They lose the yokels friends and go have dinner, although Edward doesn't have anything because he's a Beautiful Vampire. Edward lends Bella his jacket and compliments her on how she looks in it, so she blushes (just like old times). The jacket smells nice. Edward's eyes are golden butterscotch colored.

Edward reveals he's been stalking Bella, but it's OK because it's for her own good. His Beautiful Vampire mind-reading powers don't work on Mary Sue Bella, so he generally stalks her by reading her friends' minds. But that's all perfectly fine and not the least bit creepy, because Bella is so accident-prone that she'd die without a Beautiful Vampire around to stalk her and keep her out of trouble.

They leave the restaurant and get into Edward's car to drive home.

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)


  1. Seriously, EVERYONE who is enjoying your Twilight posts should check out this brief but brilliant synopsis

  2. Well, that nails it. I can stop my own series now.
    j/k (I think)

  3. You can't quit now, man! We all love vicarious suffering.

  4. from some one who read this book at least 14 times : YOU ARE HILARIOUS. period.


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