Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (Our Story So Far)

Our Story So Far:

Bella is gonna die. (Not really.)

Chapter 1
Bella complains and blushes. Edward has bronze hair. He hates Bella.

Chapter 2
Edward is absent from school. Then he comes back. He has golden eyes. He doesn't hate Bella anymore.

Chapter 3
Edward saves Bella's life with his Beautiful Vampire super powers. He won't explain how three times. He has golden eyes two times. Bella has a crush on Edward.

Chapter 4
Edward ignores Bella. Then he stops ignoring her. Three boys ask Bella to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Edward asks Bella to go to Seattle with him and his golden honey colored gloriously intense eyes and his smoldering voice. She says yes.

Chapter 5
Edward has a crooked smile and ocher-colored/golden eyes that that scorch/smolder/befuddle/burn. Edward ditches biology. Bella faints at the thought of blood. She is like so mature.

Chapter 6
Bella is engulfed in unstoppable gloom because she won't see Edward for three days. She meets an Indian boy named Jacob who (of course) immediately has a thing for her. Bella uses her feminine wiles to get Jacob to tell her that Indians are werewolves and the Beautiful Vampires are vampires who aren't allowed on the Rez.

Chapter 7
Bella decides she wants to be with Edward even if he's a vampire. Edward is absent from school again, so Bella is hit with crippling desolation and spirals downward in misery. He's absent again the next day, which painfully squashes the little sprouts of hope that keep budding in Bella's mind. She leaves on a shopping trip with some girlfriends, which cheers her up exponentially.

Chapter 8
Bella goes shopping with her friends the yokels. She gets lost while looking for a bookstore and wrestling with despair. Four Rapists try to rape her, but Edward rescues her just in the nick of time with his Silver Volvo, because he's been stalking her. But there's nothing creepy about him stalking Bella, because he only does it for her own good.

Chapter 9
Edward and Bella talk in the car. Edward smells good. Bella loves Edward.

Chapter 10
Edward and his muscular chest give Bella a ride to school in The Silver Volvo. He eavesdrops on her conversations by reading her friends' minds. He tells Bella he likes her as much as she likes him. Edward and his Beautiful Vampire family only hunt cool animals.

Chapter 11
Bella and Edward manage to not grope each other in biology class. Edward asks Bella lots of questions, which she answers in ways that are supposed to make her sound interesting. Jacob the Indian's father, Billy the Old Indian Dude, sees Bella with Edward and recognizes him as a Beautiful Vampire.

Chapter 12
Billy the Old Indian Dude doesn't tell Bella's dad that she's hanging out with a Beautiful Vampire. The other Beautiful Vampire kids don't like Bella, except Alice The Nice One. Bella worries that Edward will get in trouble if he kills her, so she lies so nobody will know they're going on a date. Their big date is a walk in the woods.

Chapter 13
Edward is a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire.

Chapter 14
Edward is about 100 years old, but he looks much younger, so it's OK for him to date Bella. Edward and Bella fool Bella's Dad so Edward can spend the night in her room, but no nookie allowed, because Edward would break her.

Chapter 15
Edward takes Bella to his Beautiful Gloomy Mansion. All Edward's Beautiful Sparkly Vampire family likes Bella, except Rosalie The Mean One, who's jealous of her. Edward starts telling the story of how Carlisle The Wise Leader became a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire.

Chapter 16
Carlisle The Wise Leader became a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire in England in the 1650s. Once he figured out that he could eat animals instead of people, he went to Europe and studied to be a doctor for 200 years. When his Beautiful Sparkly Vampire friends in Europe wouldn't stop eating people, Carlisle The Wise Leader left and went to America, where he turned Edward into a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire too. Edward tells Bella that he's always only eaten animals too, except for a little while when he ate people, to which Bella replies, yeah, whatever.

Chapter 17
Edward's Beautiful Sparkly Vampire family plays baseball in a meadow in the woods. In a thunderstorm. With metal bats. Some other Vampires approach, and everyone gets very nervous because they'll probably want to eat Bella.

Since this part has grown too long to put at the beginning of every post, I'm putting it on this separate page. I'll update it every time I finish a new chapter.

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