Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 11)

"Our Story So Far" is getting too long, so I'm putting that on a separate page, which I'll update every time I do a new chapter.

Also, remember back in the Chapter 8 synopsis when I said more stuff was happening? False alarm.

Also, too, I'm not using the "this is a direct quote" device much anymore, but anywhere the language seems improbably corny and flowery, it's a safe bet that I'm using Stephenie Meyer's words. OTOH, anywhere the language seems cynical and sarcastic, it's a safe bet that those are all my words.

Here's my synopsis of Chapter 11 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 11. Complications

Edward and Bella sit close together during biology class (appropriately enough). The teacher shows a video, and they spend the whole time with their fists clenched in their armpits so they don't start groping each other in the darkened classroom.

Edward's eyes manage to smolder even in the dark, Bella has to stop looking at him so she doesn't start hyperventilating, she feels dizzy, she can't concentrate on the movie, the electric current that seems to be originating from somewhere in Edward's body never slackens (I can guess where it originates and why it isn't "slackening," wink-wink, nudge-nudge), and the overpowering craving to touch him never fades.

Edward walks Bella to class. When she turns to say goodbye, Edward's expression is torn, almost pained (Wait -- isn't "torn" worse than "pained"? Shouldn't that be "pained, almost torn"?), and fiercely beautiful. Bella's ache to touch him flares as strong as before. Her goodbye sticks in her throat. (After all, she won't be seeing him until after gym class -- a whole entire hour.)

Edward brushes Bella's cheek with the tips of his icy cold Beautiful Vampire fingers, which leave a warm trail behind (probably because feeling cold when touched by cold fingers is so unromantic). Bella is lightheaded and wobbly when she drifts into the locker room, where she changes clothes in a trancelike state.

The Least-Annoying of The Many Annoying Boys Who Like Bella (or the second-least, if we count Jacob the Indian as one of The Many, but I hear Jacob actually becomes a friend or something later on, so I'm not counting him) helps her out in gym class. Afterward, he asks her about Edward. He says he doesn't like that they're together, because Edward looks at her like she's something to eat. Bella giggles. The Least-Annoying of The Many Annoying Boys Who Like Bella glowers at her.

(OK, time out. I know that in this case Bella giggles because Edward wants to eat her in the vampiric sense, but where I come from, if you say something to a girl about a guy wanting to eat her, and she just giggles in response, that's pretty much a confession that said guy has been playing her harmonica, as they say in Japan.

So under normal circumstances, I'd say, yeah, no wonder The Least-Annoying of The Many Annoying Boys Who Like Bella is jealous/mad, even though it's a misunderstanding, except that I'm 99.44 percent sure that Stephenie Meyer has no idea that she just made a double entendre. Or is all that too advanced for a story about high school students anyway, and I just have a dirty mind? OK, don't answer the second half of that question. Time back in.)

It's time for Bella to change back into her regular clothes and see Edward again, so forget that other boy. Literally. And I quote: "my argument with [The Least-Annoying of The Many Annoying Boys Who Like Bella was] already a distant memory."

Edward is waiting in the parking lot so he can drive Bella home in The Silver Volvo. He says he doesn't like The Least-Annoying of The Many Annoying Boys Who Like Bella. Bella figures out that Edward's been doing the eavesdropping by mind reading thing again and gets mad at him. Edward eventually says he's sorry, and his eyes burn with sincerity for a protracted moment, which plays havoc with the rhythm of Bella's heart.

Edward drives Bella home. He tells her that she can never see him hunt, because he's out of control then, and, he implies, he'd go all vampire on her tasty self. Bella stares into his eyes so she can pretend not to be scared, but then flickers of the electricity she'd felt that afternoon begin to charge the atmosphere as he gazes unrelentingly into her eyes. Bella gets dizzy from holding her breath. She's woozy when she gets out of the car.

That night, Bella dreams about Edward, and the dreams are all full of electricity too, so she has trouble sleeping. In the morning, Edward picks her up in The Silver Volvo as soon as Bella's dad leaves for work. He asks her lots of questions, which Stephenie Meyer has her answer in ways that are supposed to make Bella sound interesting. That goes on all day whenever Bella and Edward see each other in school, but fortunately Bella skips over most of the questions, some of which, of course, make her blush. (No, not because they're that kind of question, just because she's prematurely menopausal [sorry, I couldn't resist] she gets embarrassed whenever one of her answers proves that she likes him. Because that's what "mature" girls do when they have boyfriends, I guess.)

In biology class, the teacher shows another movie, but this time Bella manages to not grope Edward by hanging onto the table instead of sticking her hands into her pits. In gym class, The Least-Annoying of The Many Annoying Boys Who Like Bella doesn't talk to her. Bella kinda-sorta feels bad about that, but he doesn't really matter, because he's not a Beautiful Vampire.

Edward drives Bella home again, and asks her more questions. They talk for hours in front of her house, and Bella gives some more "interesting" answers. Bella's dad is on the way home. Edward notices that it's twilight. He says it's the safest and easiest time of day for them, but also the saddest, because it means the end of another day and the return of the night. (Oh, I get it. Twilight. That's the name of the book.)

Edward rushes Bella out of The Silver Volvo and drives away in a hurry just as another car pulls up. Inside are Jacob the Indian and his father, Billy the Old Indian Dude. Billy the Old Indian Dude has seen Edward and recognized him as a Beautiful Vampire.

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)

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