Thursday, November 06, 2008

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 10)

Our Story So Far:
Bella is gonna die. (Not really.)
Chapter 1
Bella complains and blushes. Edward has bronze hair. He hates Bella.
Chapter 2
Edward is absent from school. Then he comes back. He has golden eyes. He doesn't hate Bella anymore.
Chapter 3
Edward saves Bella's life with his Beautiful Vampire super powers. He won't explain how three times. He has golden eyes two times. Bella has a crush on Edward.
Chapter 4
Edward ignores Bella. Then he stops ignoring her. Three boys ask Bella to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Edward asks Bella to go to Seattle with him and his golden honey colored gloriously intense eyes and his smoldering voice. She says yes.
Chapter 5
Edward has a crooked smile and ocher-colored/golden eyes that that scorch/smolder/befuddle/burn. Edward ditches biology. Bella faints at the thought of blood. She is like so mature.
Chapter 6
Bella is engulfed in unstoppable gloom because she won't see Edward for three days. She meets an Indian boy named Jacob who (of course) immediately has a thing for her. Bella uses her feminine wiles to get Jacob to tell her that Indians are werewolves and the Beautiful Vampires are vampires who aren't allowed on the Rez.
Chapter 7
Bella decides she wants to be with Edward even if he's a vampire. Edward is absent from school again, so Bella is hit with crippling desolation and spirals downward in misery. He's absent again the next day, which painfully squashes the little sprouts of hope that keep budding in Bella's mind. She leaves on a shopping trip with some girlfriends, which cheers her up exponentially.
Chapter 8
Bella goes shopping with her friends the yokels. She gets lost while looking for a bookstore and wrestling with despair. Four Rapists try to rape her, but Edward rescues her just in the nick of time with his Silver Volvo, because he's been stalking her. But there's nothing creepy about him stalking Bella, because he only does it for her own good.
Chapter 9
Edward and Bella talk in the car. Edward smells good. Bella loves Edward.

Here's my synopsis of Chapter 10 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 10. Interrogations

Bella likes the way Edward smelled. She only has a granola bar and milk for breakfast. Edward comes in The Silver Volvo to give her a ride to school. He has a muscley chest, but his face is even prettier, so Bella doesn't look at his chest all that much. She puts on his jacket so she can smell his Beautiful Vampire smell.

One of the yokels Bella's friends wants to gossip about what Bella and Edward did after they were alone. Edward accidentally dazzles her with his irresistible voice. He reads her mind for Bella. He tells Bella he'll eavesdrop on the girls' conversation later by reading the friend's mind some more. But that's not at all creepy because -- um, well, actually I don't know why it isn't creepy.

Bella tells the friend that Edward is more than a pretty face, but of course she can't say that he's a Beautiful Vampire. She says she likes Edward more than Edward likes her.

Bella and Edward eat lunch together. Edward pierces Bella with his golden eyes and says that he likes her as much as she likes him. Bella's heart throbs at his words. Edward's eyes are liquid topaz. Bella doesn't believe him, because he's so awesome and she's so ordinary. Edward says nuh-uh, she's awesome too.

Edward says he doesn't really want to go to Seattle on Saturday. Bella doesn't care where they go as long as they're together. Edward says he'll show Bella what he looks like in the sun. He wants Bella near him, because she's so clumsy it's dangerous for her to be alone. His eyes smolder again.

Edward talks about what he hunts. Turns out, he and his Beautiful Vampire family only hunt cool animals, like grizzly bears and mountain lions, because plain old deer aren't any fun. Bella finds him a little scary when he talks about hunting with his bare hands (and teeth, I suppose). But I guess that's very cool and romantic, because every girl wants a man who scares her sometimes. And eavesdrops on her conversations. And stalks her for her own good. Edward's so dreamy that Bella is almost late to class.

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)


  1. rofl you crack me up....

    I am on the last book now....

  2. the title is im reading twilight so you dont have to but seriously, i bet this thing is wayyy funnier to those who read it already. the ppl who havent read it wont get it.


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