Saturday, December 06, 2008

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 13)

Our Story So Far

Here's my synopsis of Chapter 13 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 13. Confessions

Edward sparkles, scintillates, glistens, glitters, and shimmers in the sun, and his chest is incandescent. (And that's just in the first five paragraphs. I can't wait to see what other words Stephenie Meyer found in her thesaurus under "shine.") The meadow pales next to his magnificence. (Seriously. ISYN. It says that. "The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.")

Bella spends a lot of time just staring at Edward and touching his hand. Then they talk. The end. (Just kidding. Unfortunately.) They talk, and Edward breathes in Bella's face with his Beautiful Sparkly Vampire breath, which smells sweet (and not like the animal blood which is the only thing he eats or drinks). This makes her mouth water. (Which sounds like it would be a bit of a problem -- as in ewww -- when they finally get around to kissing. I mean, a little saliva is fine, it's part of the package, but a partner whose mouth waters every time you breathe on her would be a bit, um, what's the word I'm looking for -- disgusting.)

Edward freaks out, apparently because Bella's slobbering makes him want to kill her (but in a good way). He runs in circles around the meadow for a while, showing off his Beautiful Sparkly Vampire super powers and telling Bella how easy it would be to kill her. This scares Bella, but also makes him more beautiful than ever. And it's OK, because afterwards he says he's sorry and he promises he'll never hurt her.

(OK, maybe somebody can explain to me how this relationship is romantic rather than sick. What kind of psycho goes around telling his girlfriend how easy it would be to kill her? And what kind of co-dependent puts up with crap like that? Why doesn't Bella tell Edward to take his Beautiful Sparkly Vampire super powers and go frak himself? I can't believe that some people actually encourage their daughters to read this book. It teaches exactly the opposite of what I want mine to learn about relationships.)

Edward explains all about how irresistible he found Bella's smell when they first met. He was mean to her because he was trying not to kill her and expose himself and his family as Beautiful Sparkly Vampires. He says several more times about how he wants to kill Bella and how easy it would be. His golden eyes scorch from under his lashes, hypnotic and deadly. Bella feels sorry for him because he wants to kill her so bad.

Edward says he'd be really sad if he killed Bella. Bella says she'd rather die than stay away from Edward. They say some cutesy stuff about lions and lambs. They practice touching each other without Edward killing Bella.

Edward puts Bella on his back and carries her through the woods back to her truck by running with his Beautiful Sparkly Vampire super speed. Bella gets motion sickness and almost faints, but unfortunately she doesn't vomit on Edward. That would have been funny.

Edward kisses Bella, and she starts to get her freak on ("Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips." Seriously.), but Edward makes her stop so he won't kill her. They argue about who's going to drive the truck. Edward wins, of course.

Man, I hate this book.

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)

11 comments:

  1. Seriously. Being a sucker for the whole vampire romance (Anita Blake fan up to Cerulean Sin) but this so far is just ridiculous.

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  2. You have GOT to be making this stuff up. Please tell me you are. Please... please? No book this popular could seriously be so bad.

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  3. Sadly, he is not making this stuff up . . .

    Stephenie Meyers is making boatloads of cash on this misogynistic carp and I work in a fracking grocery store for peanuts and cheese doodles.

    Anita Blake series was good when they were still essentially supernatural detective novels. But I gave up on them once they became b-grade erotica with plot and action reserved for the first chapter and the last three chapters with the twenty chapters in between all taking place in a single bedroom with one chick and any number of guys like males regularly put up with that kind of competition on any planet ever.

    On the up-side, my suspension-of-disbelief muscles got such a colossal workout that I was able to read Twilight without straining anything . . . and only a minimal amount of twitching.

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  4. I've missed you my friend. you are wonderful to read.

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  5. Mayren! Good to see you again.

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  6. bubblewrapmonkey1/10/2009 2:31 PM

    You ARE wonderful to read. this is making me laugh. and i bet you secretly like this book.

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  7. bubblewrapmonkey1/10/2009 2:32 PM

    oh! its the last one. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE finish it ! I'll check back soon!

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  8. I'll be starting up again soon, thanks for asking. And I do like the book, in the sense that I like to make fun of it. Other than that, though...

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  9. ok 1. its not as bad as u think it is when u finnish it 2. its rude to make fun of it like a rich brat and 3. have u even tried to finnish twilight?

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  10. LoL - Kuri tripped over a fanboy

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