Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 14)

Our Story So Far

Here's my synopsis of Chapter 14 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 14. Mind over Matter

Edward drives with one hand and holds Bella's hand with the other. He puts the radio on an oldies station, because he likes 50s music. He says 60s and 70s music sucked, while the 80s were "bearable." (OK, stop. Stop right there. Granted, 70s music kind of sucked if you only listened to Top 40 and you skipped 1970 and 1971, but 60s music sucked? Sixties music? WTF! I mean seriously, Holy Mother of WTF!)

Edward finally tells Bella how old he is. He was born in 1901 and became a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire in 1918. (That makes him about 100 years old. Or does it make him 17 for a long time? It's actually an interesting question. A 17-year-old's brain is still developing. Did Edward's brain just stop in its unfinished adolescent state, or did it continue to develop? In Anne Rice's first vampire book, the little girl vampire develops an adult brain, essentially becoming Baby Herman in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? So what about Edward? It's an important point, because this is what determines whether Edward is a perpetual adolescent who is rightfully attracted to teenage girls or just a dirty old man who looks very young.)

Carlisle The Wise Leader turned Edward into a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire during the Spanish influenza epidemic of 1918, because Edward's parents were dead, and he was dying anyway. (No information is given on what Carlisle The Wise Leader did about the other 20 to 100 million people who died.) Turning into a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire hurted a lot.

Edward tells about how each member of his Beautiful Sparkly Vampire family became a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire, namely, blah-blah-blah-who-cares. Also, Alice The Nice One can see the future, but it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change. Remember that the Mirror shows many things, and not all have yet come to pass. Some never come to be, unless those that behold the visions turn aside from their path to prevent them. The Mirror is dangerous as a guide to deeds. Do you wish to look in the Mirror, Frod-- er, sorry, wrong book.

Alice The Nice One can always see when other Beautiful Sparkly Vampires are coming, and whether they pose a threat. (No doubt this will come in handy later in the book.) But she doesn't remember how she became a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire in the first place.

They get to Bella's house and Edward asks Bella to invite him in. He reveals he's been spying on her at night. Of course, Bella finds his obsessive stalking of her flattering rather than creepy, even when he says he watched her sleep almost every night. But she freaks out when he says she talked in her sleep and he listened, because she talked about Edward often. Apparently, when an ever so mature girl like Bella is in love, it's embarrassing any time it's made clear to the other person.

Bella's Dad comes home, so Edward slips out, because true love makes you sneak around behind your parents' backs. When Bella's Dad sits down in the chair that was recently occupied by Edward, she finds the contrast between his uncoolness and Edward's Beautiful Sparkly Vampireness comical. (After all, Bella's Dad is just a regular, hard-working guy, trying to make his way in the world and do what's best for his family while serving his community as a law enforcement officer. How could he be other than comical compared with somebody who's beautiful?)

Bella blows off her dad, who suspects she has a thing going with some boy. She goes upstairs, opens the window, and looks outside throws open the window and looks into the night; her eyes scan the darkness, the impenetrable shadows of the trees. But Edward is already waiting for her in her room, which makes Bella almost faint from the surprise.

Edward says, "FFS, get a grip!" (I wish.) Bella gets ready for bed and then runs downstairs to tell her dad goodnight, because he suspects that she's going to sneak out to see a boy. (Little does he suspect that his daughter is way ahead of him in her campaign of deceit, because the boy is already upstairs in her room. Of course, the whole thing makes no sense anyway, since Bella's Dad is perfectly willing for her to go out on a date on a Saturday night.)

Bella and Edward hang out in her room and talk. Edward is sure now that he won't kill Bella -- well, pretty sure, anyway. They talk about what it's like to be in love for the first time. Edward says he feels jealous sometimes.

Bella's Dad peeks in the room to make sure Bella's really there, but they fool him good. Edward says Bella smells like flowers.

Every Beautiful Sparkly Vampire has a special power. Bella asks if Beautiful Sparkly Vampires can do the wild thing. Edward says, why yes, why do you ask? Bella says, well, I thought you and me could do it sometime. Edward says, no way, I'd break you. Bella says, but do you want to? Edwards says, I may be a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire, but I'm a man too. (Not a "boy," or a "guy," a "man." As in "dirty old"?) Bella falls asleep.

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)


  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Kuri! My daughters both read Twilight, and their descriptions of the chasm between their friends' enthusiasm for the book and the twaddle they found it to be made me dread the inevitable. Free at last! Hallelujah!

  2. Lol so funny! i know ive said this before, but you must, MUST finish this ! i luv it!!


  3. Thanks, BWM. Chapter 17 will be up in the next couple of days.


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