Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 15)

Our Story So Far

Here's my synopsis of Chapter 15 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 15. The Cullens

Bella wakes up. She sits up fast because she remembered what happened the night before. Sitting up fast makes her dizzy. Edward compliments her by telling her her hair looks like a haystack. Bella jumps into Edward's arms. Then she jumps out of Edward's arms, because her Dad might be home. But he's already gone. Edward wants Bella to jump back in his arms, but she's afraid she has morning breath, so she goes and brushes her teeth, washes her face, and combs her hair.

(But she doesn't pee. I guess that sort of thing doesn't happen in Twilight World. Actually, it's kind of funny to imagine Bella using the bathroom with her Beautiful Sparkly Vampire boyfriend in the next room: "With his superhuman senses, Edward could surely hear everything. He could smell everything. I groaned. How could anyone as beautiful as Edward love someone who has to pee? Faint with despair, I slipped off the seat and slid into the toilet with a splash...")

Bella comes out of the bathroom. Bella and Edward embrace and talk about love. Edward says it's time for breakfast, and Bella jokingly acts like he's going to kill her. Since Edward has no sense of humor, he doesn't think it's funny. Bella carefully examines his gold eyes to make sure she's forgiven for making a joke.

They go downstairs and Bella eats while Edward watches. Edward says he wants her to meet his Beautiful Sparkly Vampire family. Bella is scared, but not that they'll eat her. She's afraid she's unworthy of their Beautiful Sparkliness. Edward also says he wants to meet Bella's Dad. Bella doesn't like that idea very much either.

Bella goes upstairs to change clothes. When she comes back down, Edward kisses her. Bella faints. No, really. Honest. She actually faints. Edward acts exasperated, but he doesn't really mean it. (Because what guy doesn't want a girl who's helpless and dependent? "Twilight Moms," when your daughters read the book, make sure they don't miss this crucial point about how to act around boys.) Bella says it's because Edward's such a good kisser. He asks Bella if she's going to barf. She says no, it's not that kind of fainting.

They drive to Edward's house in the woods, and there's a lot of descriptive stuff like "gloom of the forest," "primordial cedars," and "protecting shadow." In other words, the house is Beautiful, but not Sparkly. They go inside.

Edward's Beautiful Sparkly Vampire "parents," Carlisle The Wise Leader and Esme The Motherly One, are waiting for them. Edward introduces them, and they're nice to Bella. Alice The Nice One shows up too, and she's nice to Bella also. She says she smells tasty good. Jasper The Other Boy One shows up too. He can manipulate emotions, so he calms Bella down. (It's OK for him to manipulate emotions because... um... er... well, it just is. He's Beautiful and Sparkly, so he can do what he wants.)

Edward has a piano. He plays something complex and luxuriant. He wrote it. Then he plays something inspired by Bella, which is unbearably sweet. (The music, not the act of playing it.) They talk about Edward's family. Carlisle The Wise Leader and Esme The Motherly One like Bella. Jasper The Other Boy One has to keep his distance so he won't eat Bella, but he doesn't dislike her or anything. Emmett The Big One is OK with her too. Rosalie The Mean One still doesn't like her, but it's only because she's jealous because Bella's a human. (After all, the only reason anyone could possibly dislike Bella is because they're jealous of her.)

Edward says Alice The Nice One has seen some other Beautiful Sparkly Vampires coming, so Edward's going to guard Bella all the time. Edward shows Bella around the house. He tells her that Carlisle The Wise Leader became a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire during the 17th century, and that he's about 363 years old.

Carlisle The Wise Leader was the son of a vampire-hunting preacher man. He took over for his dad when the dad got old. One day Carlisle The Wise Leader got bit by a vampire he was hunting. He went off and hid while he turned into a vampire.

(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)

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