Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm reading "Twilight," so you don't have to (ch. 17)

Our Story So Far

Here's my synopsis of Chapter 17 of Twilight, by Stephenie [sic] Meyer.

Chapter 17. The Game

Edward drives Bella home. Jacob The Indian and his father, Billy The Old Indian Dude are there waiting for Bella's Father. Edward reads their minds and gets mad because Billy The Old Indian Dude is there to warn Bella's Father that Bella is dating a Beautiful Sparkly Vampire. Hundred-year-old Edward refers to Jacob The Indian, who is a year or two younger than Bella, as a "child."

Edward leaves so Bella can get rid of the Indians by lying to them. (She's really good at it. True Love imparts all kinds of important life skills.) Jacob The Indian doesn't know anything, so Billy The Old Indian Dude sends him out to the car for something so he can talk to Bella alone. Billy The Old Indian Dude is surprised to learn that Bella knows all about the Cullens being Beautiful Sparkly Vampires. He's worried, but Bella doesn't care. Her lies work and the Indians leave.

Bella gets a phone call, but she's disappointed because it's only one of the yokels Bella's Human Friend. Bella's Human Friend tries to tell her all about the big dance and kissing her boyfriend, but all that friendship stuff seems irrelevant to Bella. She's In Love, after all. Bella's Human Friend tries to ask her about Edward, but Bella's Dad comes home, so she has an excuse to get off the phone.

Bella tells her Dad she's going out with Edward. Bella's Dad confuses him with Emmett The Big One and says he's too old for her (little does he know). Bella explains that he has the wrong Beautiful Sparkly Vampire Cullen, so he calms down. Bella tells him that the Cullens are going to play baseball and she's going to watch.

Edward comes over and is polite to Bella's Dad. Bella's Dad brings up watching baseball. Bella seems surprised that Edward isn't surprised that Bella actually told her father the truth for once. Edward and Bella's Dad are amused because she doesn't really like baseball, which makes Bella mad. Edward and Bella get in Emmett The Big One's Monster Jeep, which Edward has borrowed, and drive off to the woods for the baseball game.

They get to the woods, where Edward wants to carry Bella to the baseball field. Bella refuses, because she might barf if he carries her. Edward starts kissing her to confuse her out of refusing. It backfires, though, because Bella starts to get her freak on again, which makes Edward mad, because if he ever gets his freak on, he will, of course, kill her.

Edward carries her through the woods, and she doesn't get sick because she closes her eyes. They get where they're going, and Bella falls on her butt, which Edward finds funny. That makes Bella mad, and they bicker pointlessly until Edward has another of his mood swings and says how much he loves Bella, that he hates that he might kill her, and blah-blah-blah.

They get to the field, which is actually some sort of meadow that's twice as big as a baseball stadium. Bella talks with Esme The Motherly One, who says various motherly things to her.

The Beautiful Sparkly Vampire baseball game starts. (Yes, Ben, they're playing with metal bats in a thunderstorm.) Emmett The Big One bats first, and he hits the ball with a shattering, thunderous crack of impact that echoes off the mountains. That's why they only play during thunderstorms: to disguise the crack of the bat.

(Aluminum bats. Which are actually incapable of producing any sound by hitting a baseball except "Ping!" I suppose Beautiful Sparkly Vampires with superhuman strength might produce a really loud "PING!" but I don't think that would be well-disguised by a thunderstorm.
"What was that?! It sounded like somebody hitting a baseball really hard with a metal bat."
"Nah, it must have been thunder."
"Oh. I guess you're right. I always get the ping of an aluminum bat mixed up with thunder."
"Yeah, me too."

Emmett The Big One hits the ball way into the trees, but it's not a home run, because then Edward couldn't run after the ball and catch it all beautifully and gracefully. The Beautiful Sparkly Vampires continue playing Beautiful Sparkly Vampire baseball -- with Carlisle The Wise Leader hitting the ball so hard it makes a boom (not a "ping!") so loud that it hurts Bella's ears -- but none of this hard hitting damages the bat or the ball, which are apparently just as indestructible as Beautiful Sparkly Vampires.

This goes on interminably for a while, until finally, at long last something happens and some new vampires approach. They want to play Beautiful Sparkly Vampire baseball too. The Cullens all gather protectively around Bella. After 374 pages and 17 chapters, the actual plot is about to begin.
(Check the pull-down menu under "Ongoing Series" in the left side-blog for more Twilight chapters.)


  1. You should change the title of these posts to "I'm STILL reading Twilight so you don't have to" . . .

  2. Hey, someday I'll actually finish...

  3. I gave in and saw the movie so I could skip the book, you've made me glad I did.

  4. I just watched the movie and now I'm confused. Isn't this supposed to be a facetious retelling of the story? Because honestly, the movie was EXACTLY like you've described the book.

    As my husband said, "The only good part of the movie was when my wife realized she'd actually been to the place where the prom scene was filmed."

  5. I'm just retelling exactly what happens. Some things are beyond parody.

  6. Twilight (and its sequels) is a parody of itself.

    The Host, surprisingly enough (and ignoring the author's insistence on giving her main character the ridiculously pointless last name of Stryder), is actually pretty good.

    I'm only half way through it, though, so I suppose there is still plenty of potential for that comment to come back and bite me.

  7. For any actual Twilight fans reading the above comment, don't think you won't like the Host based on my praise of it.

    There's still plenty of misogyny to go around with a main character who is content to get smacked around by the men in her life to . . . erm . . . protect the men in her life.


What do you think?