Sunday, February 28, 2010

The fierce urgency of brown rice

What with my spouse being Japanese, we eat a lot of rice in my house. But white rice isn't really good for you, so recently I started eating brown rice again. Brown rice is much better for you. I also like the taste better. It has a rich, nut-like flavor compared with white rice.

But now brown rice is taking over my life. Because brown rice is rich in fiber. Very, very rich in fiber. That means that brown rice can make me do what it wants me to do, when it wants me to do it. And what it wants me to do is poop.

See, ordinarily, when your body says, "Time to poop now," you can go now, or you can go later. If you want to, you can say "Wait a minute. I'm busy now. I'll go in a little while." And your body will say "OK." You can finish whatever you're doing and then go.

But with Brown Rice, things are different. Brown Rice is in charge. The first time Brown Rice said "Time to poop now" to me, I tried saying "Wait a minute. I'm busy now. I'll go in a little while." And Brown Rice turned into Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

"Time to poop now."

"Wait a minute. I'm busy now. I'll go in a little while."

"Time to poop. Now."

"Wait."

"SAY 'WAIT' AGAIN! SAY 'WAIT' AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER! SAY 'WAIT' ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!"

I didn't say "Wait" again.

When Brown Rice says "Poop," you say "How much?" And the answer is always "A lot." And it's everything out. Nobody needs to spend money on a high colonic. Just eat brown rice. Everything out. That gum you swallowed six years ago? Out. That piece of aluminum foil you ate in 1st grade? Out. That hamburger you ate -- oh! sorry -- agh! ihavetogodosomethinnnnn

Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction:


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