Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Kiss-kiss nipple-nipple kiss-kiss boff-boff, or, sex: ur doin it rong

This post discusses human sexuality in graphic terms (no pictures though). It may not be safe for work; it definitely isn't safe for children or prudes. It's a post for grownups. Don't read it if you aren't one. I'm not kidding.

Over the years, a problem has gradually come to my attention. It's a rather delicate matter, and I've thought a long time about how best to describe it. I've decided to state it as plainly as possible. This is the problem:

Americans don't know how to fuck.

That is to say, Americans don't know how to fuck right. Now, if you're the kind of asshole American who's going to insist that I'm wrong because a) America is the best at everything and b) you're the best at everything, then we probably don't have much to talk about. (Even though it's a pretty good bet that you're exactly who I'm talking about.) Just consider yourself an exception (like America!) and go on your merry way.

If you're a stickler for accuracy and you're going to tell me that obviously some Americans know how to fuck and that I'm an American and I must think I know how or I wouldn't be writing this, OK, fine. Stipulated. Some Americans know how to fuck (and maybe you're one of them). But far too many don't.

I have dozens and dozens of data points that make me think this. But this post is going to be long anyway, so I'm not going to go into all those reasons. I'm just going to skip to the last straw, the thing that made me decide to finally blog about this problem.

In this post, the author somewhat tangentially claimed that a book that tries to help women have orgasms every time they have sex is "repetition of a stale argument for equality of the sexes." In short, women don't have orgasms every time they have sex, and that's because a) they can't (only men can) and b) they don't really want to anyway.

To which I have a two word answer: Bull. Shit. First, I don't think there are a lot of women who would answer the question "Would you rather have an orgasm or not have an orgasm when you have sex?" with "No thank you, I'd rather not have an orgasm." Get real. Second, yeah, I believe that there are a lot of women who don't have orgasms when they have sex. I think there's a pretty simple explanation in most cases too: their men are bad at fucking. They're doing it wrong.

Please understand, I'm not trying to claim that I'm writing this from the perspective of a Great Lover. I'm not a Great Lover. What I am is competent. Giving your partner an orgasm (yes, every time) is a (the) basic, fundamental skill of lovemaking. If you're not doing that, you're doing it wrong.

I'm not writing this just to taunt people who aren't good at fucking. Far from it; I'm actually writing it to be helpful. Just about anyone can learn how to fuck, and I've got some useful tips for men on how to make love to a woman. (Women don't need tips on how to make love to a man so much; I'll explain why below. Lesbians, I don't know if these tips will be any use to you. You're probably better at this stuff than I am anyway. Gay guys, sorry, I don't know all that much about what you do, so I don't have any helpful advice.)

All right, then, here are kuri's Rules for Making Love to a Woman. These Rules are for intermediate and advanced lovemakers. They assume that you know all about what goes where and so on. They work for "vanilla" sex and for many but not all kinks. Also, I'm not talking about set-up, i.e., the emotional aspects of sex are very important to a woman and blah-blah-blah. That's true, but these Rules are for the physical side. And I'm talking about general principles here, not techniques. Technique is important, but these principles transcend technique.

kuri's Rules for Making Love to a Woman

1. kuri's first rule for making love to a woman is Slow Down.

2. kuri's second rule for making love to a woman is Slow Down.

3. kuri's third rule for making love to a woman is Slow Down. Seriously. Slow. The Fuck. Down.*

As someone** once said, a typical lovemaking session is "Kiss-kiss nipple-nipple kiss-kiss boff-boff." (Sound like the way anyone you know does it?) That's not how to do it, gentlemen. That's very wrong, in fact.

I don't mean there's anything wrong with the kissing and the nippling and the boffing; those are all a part of good fucking. No, I'm talking about the speed of the progression. There should be at least 20 minutes between the first kiss and the boffing. At least. That time should be filled with kissing, touching, licking, sucking, biting, caressing, squeezing, rubbing....

And not just her nipples, for fuck's sake. Everywhere. Her body is a wonderland. Explore it. That's called "foreplay," gentlemen. It's a necessary part of proper fucking. And it's not something you save for "special occasions." It's something you do every single time. At least 20 minutes. Thirty is better.

4. kuri's fourth rule for making love to a woman is If She Isn't Wet, Don't Put It In.

Lube is cheating. It's for anal if you're into that and for women around or past menopause or who have other physical conditions that cause vaginal dryness. Absent such conditions, if she isn't wet, you haven't prepared her properly. You must get her ready first if you're going to penetrate. Toss your lube and fuck right, men. (That's what Rule no. 3 is for.)

5. kuri's fifth rule for making love to a woman is Ladies First.

Her pleasure should be your highest priority. Why? Because it's the kind, unselfish thing to do. Put your partner first. Why else? Because things are easier for guys. It takes some time and skill to make a woman come. It takes little of either to make a man come. (That's why woman-on-man tips and techniques aren't as important. Pretty much anything women do is going to work.)

Invest your time and skill in making her feel good. You'll both enjoy it. As a man making love to a woman, you're going to come. That's a given. So your real task is to make sure that she does too.

6. kuri's sixth rule for making love to a woman is Boys have Penises and Girls have Clitorises.

The female counterpart to penis is clitoris. Not vagina, clitoris. I would hope that everybody knows this by now, but the clitoris is your real "target." Stimulate the clitoris to the point of orgasm. That's pretty much the (physical) definition of good fucking. Love all of her, but love her clit especially.

7. kuri's seventh rule for making love to a woman is Everybody Comes, Every Time.

Maybe some women don't mind not having orgasms, but that's not the same as not wanting them. And lovemaking should be a world of Wants, not a world of Don't Minds. Give her what she wants, not what she doesn't mind.

Good fucking includes both of you having orgasms. They don't need to be simultaneous, and they don't need to be from penis-inside-vagina. An orgasm is an orgasm. The important thing is that you both have them. Don't make excuses; make her come.

8. kuri's eighth rule for making love to a woman is Be Flexible, But Not Too Much.

These rules are for physically healthy and relatively young (heterosexual) couples. Older and/or less healthy people may need to make some adjustments. And everybody is different anyway, so make room for individual variation.

But these Rules are good general principles. Number 7 is the most important one. Everyone deserves orgasms; everyone deserves to give orgasms. The first six Rules, especially Numbers 1 through 3, are designed to help you get there. If you're not using them, give them a try. If you are using them and they're not working, then you probably need to brush up on your technique.

Good luck, and good fucking!

*"The fuck" in "Slow the fuck down" is both adverb and noun in this case.
**I think it was Kirstie Alley, but I can't swear to it.


  1. I'm not sure I totally agree with most-important-rule #7. There are definitely times when my husband is ready to go, and I'd rather have a "quickie" (where I don't feel pressured to work myself into an orgasm if I don't feel like it right then) but I sincerely don't want him to stay the hell on his side of the bed either. Sometimes I wish he'd be more "selfish" (so to speak) about taking an occasional quickie rather than being sweet and insisting on a (mutual) longie. To be occasionally (consensually) ravaged is erotic, and often warms me up for the next round -- better than fair, egalitarian romance would.

    Of course this kind of goes along with your rule #8 about being flexible. I know how many orgasms I want, what kind, and how to get them. ;)

  2. The reason No. 7 is not just a Rule, but the most important Rule, is that it has to be understood that "everybody comes, every time" is a normal part of everyday, ordinary lovemaking. It needs to be the default. Once that's clear, it's OK to use No. 8 to break it once in a (long) while.

    (Also, maybe I need to point out that "slow" doesn't necessarily mean "romantic" or "sweet" by any means. It just means "slow." You can "ravish" someone slowly.)

  3. Yes, I definitely agree that that should be the default. Once you understand the rule, then you can figure out when it's time to break it. ;)

    Personally, I'd rather be ravished quickly (like an undeniable thirst that one cannot help but quench immediately). Then do it slow the next day. But that's just me -- your mileage may vary. ;)

  4. Valerie - formerly of San Diego7/21/2010 8:55 PM

    Thanks for the tutorial...most favorite line "Don't make excuses, make her come" - sounds like a great book title - just sayin' - you might have something there!!

  5. I am rather proud of that line hahaha

  6. I am forwarding this to every man I know! Well done, Kuri!

  7. Thanks, Leah! It's pretty basic stuff, but I keep hearing things that make me think a lot of people need it.

  8. certain anti-depressants can cause vaginal dryness making lube very important. Dry fucking is painful.

  9. Sure. That would be one of the "other physical conditions that cause vaginal dryness."

  10. omg! well this may be a clear sign that I'm an ex-mo' with bedroom issues since I just got -cough cough- 'prepped' just by reading this post. Reading about a man trying to educate other men about how to successfully fuck women was somewhat of a turn on. Lucky me (and DH) it's 10:40pm, perfect timing!!! ;)

  11. Maureen,

    Glad I could be of service. ;)


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