Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Book of Mormon Zombies (Ch. 1)

Being the missing pages and/or sealed portion of the Book of Mormon...

Chapter 1. I, Nephi, zombie hunter

I, Nephi, zombie hunter, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the zombie-killing skills of my father; and having seen many zombies in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored with weapons in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of zombie-hunting, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.

Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of modern English to which he doth like to addeth some random Biblical-sounding stuff.

And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge; and if you don't believeth me I shall smiteth you in your secret parts with a sore smiting, and you will liketh it not.

For it came to pass in the commencement of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah, (my father, Lehi, having dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days, except for that one trip we all took to Disney World that my grandparents paid for); and in that same year there came many zombies, turning the people into more zombies, so that the great city Jerusalem must be destroyed.

Wherefore it came to pass that my father, Lehi, ran liketh hell, yea, even with all his heart, as fast as he could, that he might escapeth the zombies.

And it came to pass as he ran liketh hell, he didst trip and hit his head upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard many hallucinations; and because of the things which he saw and heard he thought it was bitchin'.

And it came to pass that he returned to his own house at Jerusalem; and he cast himself upon his bed, being overcome with tiredness from all the running liketh hell from zombies and the bitchin' things which he had seen.

And being thus overcome with a concussion, he was carried away in another hallucination, even that he saw the heavens open, and he thought he saw himself sitting upon his chair, surrounded with numberless concourses of zombies in the attitude of trying to eat his brains.

And it came to pass that he saw One descending out of the midst of an armorer's shop, and he beheld that the luster of his sword was above that of the sun at noon-day.

And the One came and stood before my father, and gave unto him the sword, and bade him that he should smiteth some zombies.

And it came to pass that as he smote, he was filled with the Spirit of smiting.

And he smote, saying: "Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine zombies!" Yea, and many crazy things did my father say concerning Jerusalem -- that it should be destroyed, and the inhabitants thereof; many should perish by zombies, and many should be carried away captive into Isengard.

And behold, the One whisperedeth unto my father saying, "Dude, wrong book!"

And it came to pass that my father said, "Sorry, I have a concussion." And it came to pass that when my father had smote and cut many great and marvelous zombies, he did exclaim many things; such as: "Great and marvelous are thy works, O One! Thy power, and goodness, are all over this sword, but let us shew no mercy to zombies, whether they wear shews or not! And by the way, what is thy name?"

And it came to pass that the One saith, "My name is Neo."

And my father didst say, "And you're telling me I'm in the wrong book?"

Therefore, I would that ye should know, that after his concussion had shown so many marvelous things unto my father, Lehi, yea, concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, behold he went forth among the people, and began to prophesy and to declare unto them concerning the things which he had both seen and heard.

And it came to pass that the people did mock him because of the things which he testified of them, saying, "You sound like you have a concussion"; for he truly testified that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he hallucinated, manifested plainly of the coming of more zombies, and maybe orcs too.

And when the people heard these things they were angry with him; yea, even as with the zombie hunters of old, whom they had cast out, and not let get stoned, and slain; and they also sought his life, that they might take it away, because why else would you seek someone's life?

But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those who have really good swords, to make them mighty even unto the power of smiting the hell out of any that messeth with them.

(To be continued...)

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  1. One day I want to draw a comic book with this.

  2. You can do some illustrations if you want...

  3. Heh. Makes more sense than some other parts of the text!

  4. Concussions explain much. ;)


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