Friday, September 30, 2011

Book of Mormon Zombies (Ch. 2)

Being the missing pages and/or sealed portion of the Book of Mormon...

Chapter 2. I, Nephi, having great desires to know of the mysteries of concussions, wherefore, I did bang my head with a hella big rock

For behold, it came to pass that his concussion spake unto my father, yea, even in a dream, and said unto him: "Blessed art thou Lehi, because thou hast declared unto this people that more zombies are coming, and maybe orcs too. But behold, the ungrateful bastards seek to take away thy life."

And it came to pass that his concussion commanded my father, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the wilderness, where there aren't many zombies.

And it came to pass that he departed into the wilderness. And he left his house, for houses are too big and heavy to carry into wildernesses, his land (likewise), and his gold, and his silver, and his precious things, and took nothing with him, save it were his family, and provisions, and tents, and weapons in case there were zombies, and departed into the wilderness.

And he came down by the borders near the shore of the Red Sea; and he did travel in the wilderness with his family, which consisted of my mother, Sariah, and my elder brothers, who were Laman, Lemuel, and Sam.

And it came to pass that when he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water, which I pointeth out to contrast it with rivers not made of water.

And it came to pass that he got stoned, and made an offering unto his concussion, and gave thanks unto his concussion.

And it came to pass that my brother Sam didst betteth me that I couldn't write the next sentence without using the phrase, "And it came to pass."

And it came to pass that I couldst not, and I didst payeth him five bucks.

And it came to pass that my father called the name of the river, Laman, and the name of the river, Lemuel.

Now behold Laman and Lemuel were pisséd off against their father, because he had a concussion, and had led them out of the land of Jerusalem and into the wilderness, and left behind their gold, and their silver, and their Xbox. And this they said he had done because of his "effing hallucinations."

And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their father, for they always hated camping anyway. And they did murmur because they knew not much about zombies, and even naming a river and a valley after them didn't help at all.

Neither did they believe that Jerusalem, that great city, could be destroyed by zombies. And they were like unto the people who were at Jerusalem, who sought to take away the life of my father, because he had a way of pissing off pretty much everyone.

And it came to pass that my father did speak unto them in the valley of Lemuel, with power, being filled with hallucinations, until they got too tired to argue anymore. And he did confound them, that they said, "Whatever. Just give it a rest already." Wherefore, they did as he commanded them.

And my father dwelt in a tent, because, like I said, we were in the wilderness, so what else would he have dwelt in?

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, being exceedingly young, nevertheless being large in stature, and also having great desires to know of the mysteries of concussions, wherefore, I did bang my head with a hella big rock. And behold, I got a concussion too, and did soften my head that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father. Wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.

And I spake unto Sam, making known unto him the things which the concussion had manifested unto me. And it came to pass that he believed in my words, being kind of slow.

But, behold, Laman and Lemuel would not hearken unto my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of their hearts I cried unto my concussion for them.

And it came to pass that my concussion spake unto me, saying: "Blessed art thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, and thou really banged the hell out of your head with that rock.

"And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which is choice above all other lands, for it has no zombies in it right now..

"And thy brethren are dicks, so they have to do what thou saith, or they shall end up becoming zombies.

"And inasmuch as thou shalt keep my commandments, thou shalt get to boss them around.

"For behold, in that day that they shall rebel against me, I will curse their asses even with a sore curse, and you can bet they'll be sorry they ever lived."

(To be continued...)

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