Friday, October 21, 2011

Book of Mormon Zombies (Ch. 3)

Being the missing pages and/or sealed portion of the Book of Mormon...

Chapter 3. I know that an author giveth no commandments unto the characters, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which is necessary to advance the story

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, returned from speaking with my concussion, to the tent of my father.

And it came to pass that he spake unto me, saying: "Behold I have dreamed a dream, in the which my concussion hath commanded me that thou and thy brethren shall return to Jerusalem.

"For behold, Laban hath some DVDs he borrowed of me and also all my MP3s, for they are engraven upon CDs, and my hard drive hath crashed, and I hath no other backup.

"Wherefore, my concussion hath commanded me that thou and thy brothers should go unto the house of Laban, and seek the DVDs and CDs, and bring them down hither into the wilderness.

"And now, behold thy brothers murmur, saying it is a hard thing which I have required of them, and I shouldst have backed up my hard drive; but behold I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of my concussion.

"Therefore go, my son, and maybe I shalt buy thou an iPhone, because thou hast not murmured."

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: "I will go and do the things which thy concussion hath commanded, for I know that an author giveth no commandments unto the characters, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which is necessary to advance the story."

And it came to pass that when my father had heard these words he was glad, for he knew that I was exceedingly meta.

And I, Nephi, and my brethren took our journey in the wilderness, with our tents, to go all the way back to the land of Jerusalem, even though we just came from there and it was a pain in the ass.

And it came to pass that when we had gone up to the land of Jerusalem, I and my brethren did consult one with another.

And it came to pass that my brethren were about to return unto my father in the wilderness, for they were afraid of Laban, for he was a badass dude, and said that he wouldst not return our father's DVDs and CDs, and he might kick our asses besides..

But behold I said unto them that: "By golly, we will not go down unto our father in the wilderness until we have accomplished the thing which his concussion hath commanded us."

And behold my brethren looked at each other and said, "'By golly'?" and they didst mock me, saying, "Nephi, you're such a dork."

Nevertheless, I said, "Let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of our father's concussion; therefore let us go down to our house, for behold he left gold and silver, and your precious Xbox. And all this he hath done because he is kind of stupid -- I mean, because of the commandments of his concussion.

"For he knew that Jerusalem must be destroyed, because of the zombies, and maybe orcs too.

"And behold, it is wisdom in God that we should obtain these DVDs and CDs, that we may have entertainment for our children;

"And also that we may preserve unto them the words which have been spoken by the mouth of Yoda, which have been delivered unto them by the Spirit and power of George Lucas."

And it came to pass that my brethren said, "You mean Laban has our Star Wars DVDs?"

And I didst reply, "Verily."

And it came to pass that Laman didst say, "He has the original trilogy, right? Because I'm not risking my life for the prequels."

And it came to pass that I said, "He hath." And after this manner of language did I persuade my brethren, that they might be faithful in keeping the commandments of concussions.

And it came to pass that we went down to our house, and we did gather together our gold, and our silver, and our precious Xbox, But my brethren said, "No, we're keeping the Xbox."

And after we had gathered these things together, we went up again unto the house of Laban.

And it came to pass that we went in unto Laban, and desired him that he would give unto us the movies and music which were engraven upon the disks of plastic, for which we would give unto him some gold, and some silver, and some other precious swag.

And it came to pass that when Laban saw our swag, and that it was exceedingly great, he did lust after it, insomuch that he thrust us out, and sent his posse to kick our asses, that he might obtain our swag.

And it came to pass that we did flee before the posse of Laban, and we were obliged to leave behind our swag, and it fell into the hands of Laban.

And it came to pass that we ran like hell into the wilderness, and the posse of Laban did not overtake us, and we hid ourselves in the cavity of a rock, which is the same thing as a cave, but soundeth cooler.

And it came to pass that Laman was angry with me, and also with my father; and so also was Lemuel, for he always did whatsoever Laman said, the prick. Wherefore Laman and Lemuel did speak many hard words unto us, their younger brothers, and they did smite us even with a baseball bat.

And it came to pass as they smote us with a bat, behold, Sam and I smote them back with big rocks so that they hadst concussions too, and an angel came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: "Yo, what the fetch?! (Though he didst use another F-word, which it wouldst shameth me to write.) Why do ye smite your younger brother with a baseball bat? Know ye not that his concussion hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because you're such pricks? Behold ye shall go up to Jerusalem again, and get your stuff (though he didst use another S-word) back from Laban."

And it came to pass that Sam said, "Hey, what about me? I was getting smote too."

And the angel said, "Whatever. Nephi's the important one." And after the angel had spoken unto us, he departed.

And after the angel had departed, Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur, saying: "How the fetch (different F-word again) are we supposed to get our stuff (different S-word) back from Laban? Behold, he is badass, and runneth with a big posse; why shalt he not kicketh our asses?"

(To be continued...)

Follow me on Twitter
Friend me on Facebook
Add me on Google+

6 comments:

  1. Verily, these chapters doth maketh me laugh. Would that they be made into a graphic novel, I wouldst purchase it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Michelle. I hope to make it into something eventually.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow this is fetching( another f word tho) amazing

    ReplyDelete
  4. And it came to pass that Kuri's story was way more interesting and entertaining than the BoM, *and* verily snortworthy.

    More!

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Behold, he is badass, and runneth with a big posse; why shalt he not kicketh our asses?"

    This line should totally be on a T-shirt.

    ReplyDelete

What do you think?