Saturday, October 29, 2011

Book of Mormon Zombies (Ch. 4)

Being the missing pages and/or sealed portion of the Book of Mormon...


Chapter 4. Never at any time have I shed the blood of man, except zombies, and they don't count

(Compare with: 1 Nephi 4:1-19)

And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: "Let us go up again unto Jerusalem, and let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of our concussions; for behold the characters must advance the story, even if it needs be through a contrived coincidence. Therefore, why are we not mightier even than Laban and his large posse?

"Now behold ye know that this is true; and ye also know that an angel hath spoken unto you, and said 'Do what Nephi tells you, or else.' Let us go up; the author is able to deliver us, and to destroy Laban, even through a literal deus ex machina if necessary."

Now when I had spoken these words, they were yet wroth, which means they were pisséd, and did still continue to murmur; nevertheless they did follow me until we came to the walls of Jerusalem.

And it was by night; and I caused that they should hide themselves outside the walls. And after they had hid themselves, I, Nephi (just in case you forgot who I am), crept into the city and went forth towards the house of Laban.

And I was led by my concussion, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do, because the author had not yet revealed them.

Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine.

And when I came to him I found that it was Laban, for behold, they'd tried to maketh him go to rehab, but he'd said, "No, no, no."

And I beheld his sword, and I drew it forth from the sheath thereof; and the hilt thereof was of pure gold, and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine, and I saw that the blade thereof was of the most precious steel. And I didst say, "Yoink!"

And it came to pass that I was constrained by my concussion that I should kill Laban; but I said in my heart: "Never at any time have I shed the blood of man, except zombies, and they don't count." And I shrunk and would that I might not slay him.

And my concussion said unto me again: "Behold the author hath delivered him into thy hands." Yea, and I also knew that he had sought to take away mine own life; yea, and he would not hearken unto the commandments of my concussion; and he also had taken away our swag.

And it came to pass that the concussion said unto me again: "Slay him, for the author hath delivered him into thy hands;

"Behold the author slayeth the wicked to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that the story should dwindle and perish without advancing."

And now, when I, Nephi, had heard these words, I remembered the words of my concussion which it spake unto me in the wilderness, saying that: "Inasmuch as thy seed shall keep my commandments, they shall prosper in the land of promise."

Yea, and I also thought that they could not be entertained in the wilderness, save they should have MP3s and movies.

And I also knew that MP3s and movies were engraven upon the disks of plastic.

And again, I knew that the author had delivered Laban into my hands for this cause—that I might obtain the CDs and DVDs according to his commandments, and advance the story.

Therefore, I did obey the voice of the Spirit, and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote off his head with his own sword, which, if you've never done it, is harder than it soundeth.

But before I had smitten off his head with his own sword, I took off the garments of Laban and set them aside, for of course if I didn't they would be a bloody mess so that I couldst not wear them, and if I said I wore them anyway, this story would obviously be fiction.

And I haven't used "And it came to pass" for about seven verses, so I'm jonesing to use it.

And it came to pass that I put Laban's previously removed and not at all bloody garments upon mine own body; yea, even every whit; and I did gird on his armor about my loins.

(To be continued...)

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