Friday, November 04, 2011

Book of Mormon Zombies (Ch. 5)

Being the missing pages and/or sealed portion of the Book of Mormon...


Chapter 5. And it came to pass that I spake with him, that if he wouldst do what I say, we would spare his life, but otherwise we wouldst busteth a cap in his ass

(Compare with: 1 Nephi 4:20-38)

And after I put Laban's previously removed and not at all bloody garments upon mine own body, I went forth unto the treasury of Laban, where he keepeth his swag. And as I went forth towards the treasury of Laban, behold, I saw the homey of Laban, who had the keys of the treasury. And I commanded him in the voice of Laban, that he should go with me into the treasury.

And he supposed me to be his homey, Laban, for he beheld the previously removed and not at all bloody garments and also the sword girded about my loins, which, although I didn't mention it before, I had carefully cleaned so it wasn't all bloody either, and also I'd washed my face and hands so there was no blood spatter upon them.

And he spake strangely unto me concerning some garden tools and female dogs, saying that his homey, Laban, had been out by night among them.

And I spake unto him as if I had been Laban.

And I also spake unto him that I should carry the MP3s and movies, which were upon the disks of plastic, to my crew, who were without the walls.

And I also bade him that he should follow me.

And he, supposing that I spake of Laban's crew, and that I was truly that Laban whom I had slain, wherefore he did follow me.

And as we went forth unto my brethren, who were without the walls, he spake unto me many times concerning the garden tools and female dogs, and showers of gold, and other matters that I understood not, though they caused strange feelings in my nether regions.

And it came to pass that when Laman saw me he was exceedingly frightened, and also Lemuel and Sam. And they fled from before my presence; for they supposed it was Laban, and that he had slain me and had sought to take away their lives also, and they didst runneth like hell, even though they outnumbered us three to two.

And it came to pass that I called after them, calling them fraidy cats, and they did hear me; wherefore they did cease to flee from my presence.

And it came to pass that they didst mock me again, saying things like "I can't believe you actually said 'fraidy cat,' you big dork."

And it came to pass that when the homey of Laban beheld my brethren he began to tremble, and was about to flee from before me and runneth like hell to the city of Jerusalem.

And now I, Nephi, being a man large in stature, and also having received much strength from my concussion, therefore I did seize upon the homey of Laban, and held him, that he should not flee.

And it came to pass that I spake with him, that if he wouldst do what I say, we would spare his life, but otherwise we wouldst busteth a cap in his ass.

And I spake unto him, that he need not fear; that he should be a free man like unto us if he would go down in the wilderness with us and join our crew.

And I also spake unto him, saying: "Surely the author hath commanded us to do this thing; and shall we not be diligent in keeping the commandments of the author? Therefore, if thou wilt go down into the wilderness to my father thou shalt have place with our crew."

And it came to pass that Zoram did take courage at the words which I spake, for the Stockholm syndrome was setting in. Now Zoram was the name of the homey; and he promised that he would go down into the wilderness unto our father and join our crew. Yea, and he also made an oath unto us that he would tarry with us from that time forth.

Now we were desirous that he should tarry with us for this cause, that the zombies might not know concerning our flight into the wilderness, lest they should pursue us and destroy us.

And it came to pass that when Zoram had made an oath unto us, our fears did cease concerning him, for we knew that the Stockholm syndrome had a firm hold on him.

And it came to pass that we took the disks of plastic and the homey of Laban, and departed into the wilderness, and journeyed unto the tent of our father.

(To be continued...)

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5 comments:

  1. "...garden tools and female dogs..."

    Classic!

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  2. Thanks Michelle and Emily!

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  3. Now, if the church would only let you translate the BoM for them I wouldn't have found it so hard going trying to read through that stuff!

    The mishies made me read 2 Neph 33 last week, promising that he's a better and less repetitive writer than that 1st Neph. Dunno what the heck they were talking about with this dude who uses up a whole paragraph just to say that 25 years had passed. :oP I nearly threw the whole thing down the toilet after that one chapter... And these gals aren't paying me to read this stuff!

    Looking forward to the next installment. :o)

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  4. Thanks Smorg. You should read Jacob 5. Everything else will seem exciting and comprehensible in comparison. ;)

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