Saturday, March 03, 2012

The Trinity Explained

Over on Facebook, Andrew asked, "OK, so would someone like to explain the Trinity to me in super easy-to-understand terms?" I was going to answer there, but I thought it would be a little long for a Facebook comment, so I decided to do it here instead.

The Trinity Explained

Scene: An ancient council of Theologians

Theologian 1: OK, the Old Testament says there is only one God, but the New Testament says God the Father is God, Jesus is God, and the Holy Spirit is God, i.e., there are three Gods. We have to figure out a way to resolve this contradiction, or we’re screwed.

Theologian 2: Well... why don’t we just admit that we're polytheists?

The rest of the Theologians: HERETIC! BURN HIM!

Theologian 2: No! I was just kidding! There's only one God!

The rest of the Theologians: BURN HIM!

Theologian 1: Wait! Let's give him a chance. [To Theologian 2] All right, explain how the three Gods are only one God, or we'll burn you. [To the rest of the Theologians] This oughtta be good.

Theologian 2: Um... so... there are three Gods --

The rest of the Theologians: BURN HIM!

Theologian 2: But they're only one God!

Theologian 1: Go on...

Theologian 2: So there is one God in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity...

Theologian 1: And?

Theologian 2: For there is one person of the Father, another of the Son, and another of the Holy Spirit.

The rest of the Theologians: BURN HIM!

Theologian 2: But the Godhead of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit is all one, the glory equal, the majesty coeternal! And yet they are not three eternals but one eternal!

The rest of the Theologians: WTF?

Theologian 1: All right, that's pretty good so far.

Theologian 2: And we neither confound the persons nor divide the substance...

Theologian 1: [Laughing] All right, don't get carried away.

Theologian 2: The Father is God, the Son is God, and the Holy Spirit is God, and yet they are not three Gods, but one God.

Theologian 1: OK, you can stop, you're just repeating yourself now. [To the rest of the Theologians] I think that was pretty good. Let's not burn him, all right?

The rest of the Theologians: [Disappointed murmuring; a few plaintive cries of "Burn him?"]

Theologian 1: You realize that what you said made no sense at all, right?

Theologian 2: Um...

Theologian 1: I mean it's complete nonsense, isn't it? You're just saying "One plus one plus one equals one." And the Bible doesn't support it either. Like when Jesus was baptized, He prayed to Himself, then He heard His voice from the sky saying, "I am My beloved son, in whom I am well pleased," and then He appeared to Himself in the form of a Dove? Or when he told his disciples they should be one as He and His Father are one, he meant that they should form like a 12-man version? Really? It's complete bullshit.

Theologian 2: Um... it's a Mystery?

Theologian 1: What?

Theologian 2: Well, I was thinking that, like, anything we can’t explain, we’ll just call a "Mystery."

Theologian 1: A "Mystery." I like it.

Theologian 2: We can say things like "It's too far above human thought," and "Only God can understand it."

Theologian 1: Sweet. We can call it a "divine paradox."

The rest of the Theologians: HA-HA-HA!

Theologian 1: Yeah. But will people actually believe such obvious bullshit?

Theologian 2: If they don't, we can burn them.

The rest of the Theologians: BURN THEM!

Theologian 1: All right, I move that the Council adopt this Trinity bullshit as our official explanation for why three Gods are really one God, and that we burn anyone who disagrees.

The rest of the Theologians: BURN THEM! BURN THEM!

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  1. "It was a pleasure to burn."

  2. Three gods for the price of one? That's a deal I can't refuse!

  3. Andrew,
    "It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed."

    No they're just one god!


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