Monday, September 24, 2012

In which an attractive woman sticks her finger up my butt

I went to the doctor for a physical last week. "Kuri," you might be saying, "you just had one in 1988. Why are you going again so soon?" I know, I know, once every 24 years does make me sound like a bit of a hypochondriac, but one can't be too careful where one's health is concerned.

The doctor at the cheap (not free) clinic where I went happened to be female. She also happened to be rather attractive. Not oh-my-god-i'm-in-love attractive, but more like if-i-was-single-i-might-want-to-get-to-know-her attractive. She's around my age, and pleasant-looking, but also interesting. We talked about whether I should get a PSA test, and she openly said she didn't know, because specialists recommend both for and against it. How often does that happen? I mean, just average people don't like to admit they don't know something; how often do doctors admit something like that? Kind of intriguing, no?1

Anyway, eventually we got to the digital rectal exam part of the physical. I'd been looking forward to this with both dread and anticipation. I'd only ever had one before (in 1988). All I remember about that one is that I jumped the second the doctor touched my ass, and he said, "Just relax," and I thought, "Easy for you to say, dickhead, you're not the one about to get a finger up your asshole."

However, I also remembered this novel excerpt I read in somebody's Cosmo (I think; this person used to read Glamor too, but no, it certainly seems like a Cosmo-type book) when I was young. In the story, this guy's girlfriend or wife or whatever was possessed by an alien or an evil spirit or something, and she/it wanted him to impregnate her/it so she/it could have a hybrid/monster baby. Or something -- I don't remember much, but this is the important part, which I remember quite well: he really wasn't into the sexy-time (what with her being possessed and all), so she/it jammed her finger up his butt and "massaged his prostate" resulting in an INSTANT BONER!TM 2 (and in due course a hybrid/monster baby, I think).

So apparently touching prostates can cause boners, and this attractive woman doctor is about to give me a rectal exam, and I'm thinking, "If this gives me a boner, that will be pretty awkward." I mean, I'd be facing away from her, but eventually I'd have to turn around, and then what do I say? "Oops, sorry [laughs awkwardly]"? Should I say, "Nothing personal"? Or would that actually be kind of insulting (as well as probably somewhat less than 100 percent true in this case)? Or does etiquette require simply ignoring the elephant ('s trunk) in the room? I don't think Emily Post or Miss Manners ever covered this exact situation.

On the other hand, the situation would also be pretty funny. I like humor, even when I'm the butt (so to speak) of it (within reason), and really, there aren't many things funnier than inadvertent inappropriate boners. So I was sort of almost half anticipating the awkwardness of what might happen, and when she got ready and said, "Well, there's no dignified way to do this," I thought, "Doc, you ain't seen nothin' yet."

But then in went her finger, and all I could think was, "Cosmo, you fucking liar!" And, "There are people who actually like this?! And not just with slender lady fingers either?!" It's not my thing at all. I guess enjoying having something up your butt is just one of those odd human foibles, like people who think beer tastes good.

So, no, there was no comical inadvertent inappropriate boner. On the other hand, there was no obvious prostate cancer either, so there is that. Also, I feel inexplicably close to the doctor, like we shared a moment or something.3 Is that weird?

1So remember ladies, in the unlikely event you want me to be attracted to you, admit when you don't know something.

2OK, "INSTANT BONER!" isn't actually trademarked AFAIK (not even by the makers of Viagra), it's just one of those phrases that looks funny with a TM after it. It's also funny if you imagine it being said in a deep voice with a "reverb" effect: {{{INSTANT}}} {{{BONER}}}. See what I mean?

3So remember ladies, if you want me to feel close to you -- I kid! I kid! Please find another way.

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6 comments:

  1. Good post, Kuri' - funny. And I'm glad you got an all clear.

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  2. Thanks! Haven't seen you around for awhile. How are you doing?

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  3. No, I've been working a lot. I haven't had much spare time. But curiosity got the better of me recently, so here I am.

    Just in time for General ConferenzzZZ to! And I hear that there's gonna be a 'revelation' or something. More something than revelatory, I'm guessing. But the rumours have me hooked like a kipper and I just can't wait to watch every session. It's gonna be a great weekend.

    And yeah, I'm well. 'Err indoors also. She says "hello!"

    I'm glad to see that you're still writing this blog. I wasn't sure that you would be. I like your "good reads/random cool sites" posts. You're finding some interesting stuff.

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  4. I'm hardly writing at all lately, but I don't think I'll ever quite abandon blogging.

    I predict the "revelation" will be something banal, like adding the Proclamation on the Family to the D&C. Or something about money, since that seems to be their real god.

    Say hi back to Isla for me. ("'Err indoors" is new one on me. I love British slang!)

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  5. I doubt Brits realise that they're using slang a lot of the time as it's so ingrained in everyday conversation. I know I didn't recognise I was using slang when I was replying to you.

    It's funny when such things are pointed out, especially "err indoors" as it's an institution, despite it being antiquated as society has moved away from the wife staying at home while the husband goes out to work. But it refers more to the wife being a domineering women that the husband is weary of and having peace in the home by keeping the wife off your back (not that Isla' is like that!).

    As for the 'revelation', so far it looks like it's to do with the age that Missionaries go out into the field. As predicted, nothing revelatory about it at all, just an attempt by the Church to pre-empt or, perhaps, control the possible effects of cognitive dissonance being felt by young adults. Bury 'em in church work and reduce their opportunites to go astray and, thereby, reinforce their indoctrination.

    I'm almost tempted to say that the Church is protecting a future income through investment, but surely I'm being too synical?

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  6. I knew right away who you meant by "err indoors," but I'd never heard it before. It's actually kind of similar to a common Japanese word for wife, "okusama," which in absurdly literal translation means something like "honorable person in the interior (of the house)."

    The church used to have revelations; now it has policy changes. But yeah, the motivation is pretty clear. The time between high school graduation and missionary eligibility is prime church-leaving time, so why not try to simply eliminate it?

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What do you think?